The One Where I Confront the Oscars (+ the Porn That was Hanky Panky)

Oh, I know I've waited a while before shoving my Oscars opinions down your throats, but here it is. You probs thought yourselves lucky enough to escape my babbling Stew love, but were you ever wrong.

This is not brand-new information to anyone, I'm sure, but I watch the red carpet for every awards show. Intently. The BingKiddos basically run amok while I criticize and rank every dress+shoe combo that steps out of a car. By the time the show begins, I have chosen the gown that I would have worn had I been born with the sick talent that is required to merit an invite to one of these ceremonies. And while I do love Kristen in the girlcrush/lemme-replace-Dakota-in-The-Runaways kind of way, I've never chosen her gown during any of my previous Red Carpet Scrutiny Sit-Down's. She blows me away every time, but some other fab woman is usually wearing my winning gown. This year's Oscars was the exception, gals. If a stylist (mine would NEVER be Rachel Zoe, btw. Skinny, pointless bitch.) ever lined up each of those gowns for me, I would have zeroed in on that exquisite number and taken it. There would be no giving that shit back, either. I would leave the VF party, fly across the pond, let Rob see it live and in person, let him take it off very, very gently, have a kickass evening, then fly back to the USofA the following morning. Once home, I'd put it back on for my daily dose of vacuuming, dusting, and making-of-the-grilled-cheese. I would never (not ever) give it back. And while we didn't get a shot of her shoes, I think it's safe to assume there was a little porn going on down there, as well, seeing as it was rumored that she wore a pair of her trusty Bally's ("Amantea" if you're wondering).

Monique Lhuillier custom-made Kristen's Oscar gown. Honestly. As though she isn't lucky enough to finger Rob's hair while inches away from the jawporn, Lhuillier designs a gown just for her. If I didn't love her so much, I'd hate her.

The girl can pose. And she has a nice little profile of her own, don't you think?

As my #1 once wrote, "it's the little things that kill." I'm gonna take that phrase and run with it here, okay? Her hair was styled in the most perfect way possible to compliment the gown. It was up and didn't distract at all. She let her eyes+gown do the talking that night. The Bally's that she loves so much didn't even make an appearance. She's sofuckingsmart. She got the little things right and it was noticed by the peeps that matter.

The carat-count on her wrist obvs would not qualify as "little," I get that. But she went the usual route (usual for her, not the rest of Hollywood) and kept the jewelry minimal. I am glad that she didn't choose to go completely bare, as this H.Mendel Marquis bracelet was an insanely elegant and fitting accessory for the occasion.

These two pals looked amazing together & was so glad that they were paired up for their turn on the stage. You can see that they genuinely care about each other and I imagine it was extremely comforting to their nerves to present together. Tay looked niiiiiice on Oscar night, no?

Now, the above photo would provide a beautiful segue into Lautner's Oscar-wear. But I have a couple of other things to address, instead. So I'll simply say bravo! to Taylor for making a fuckhandsome choice and leaving the shine-factor to the golden statues.

Miss Anna made me pretty happy on Sunday, showing up in a gown that I thought complimented everything about her in such a lovely way. I love it when she wears pastels. I know she's so freaking pale, but her complexion is flawless and her skin tone is so creamy and I really think she does herself a favor when she chooses something as light and sweet as she is. So this Elie Saab gown was obvs perfection for her. Her gown held my attention for about five whole seconds, however, before it was lost to her clutch. Fucking stop. right. there. I loved it so much. (Side note: My grandmother worked in a Judith Leiber boutique for years and I used to spend hours- literally- just staring. So I'm a little partial to a Leiber clutch, as I was always allowed to admire them, but never ever touch them.) And my fave dress of Kendrick's happened to be the one she changed into for the VF party, a sweet (there's that word again, I know, but I can't help but use it when referring to Anna. Can you?) little mini. This is also an Elie Saab, but from last year's Spring collection. You know how I feel about this. And she chose the same shoes that rocked the SAG Awards, those 5-inch Sergio Rossi's. Are you freaking kidding me? LOVE.

Uh-oh. Kendrick accessorized her Saab gown with Leiber's Mini Garden Gate Minaudiere and completely killed me. I want.

Helloooooo, Mr. Saab. My name is MrsBing and I love your handsome little man-face and the magic you make when your imagination takes hold of fabric. I would totes appreciate a little number that I might be able to do my household chores in. Please consider. Thanks.

Lastly, having zero to do with the Oscar's but everything to do with Stew love, I am sure you have already seen last night's Leno episode. If you thought that Kellan's CK cock-talk was hot, take another look at this. We may as well be watching porn. Seriously.

Tell me what went through your mind while she was ripping those tissues from the box. No, wait. Because Anntastic and I were thinking the exact same thing. Holy hell, could her legs be any longer? MrBing is gonna DIE when he sees this...