Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The One Where You're Kidding Me, Right?

Right? First of all, THE HAIR. Yes, Rob cut it for his next role. Yes, there's less for tugging. But guess what? You're only tugging away (heh.) in that imagination of yours anyway, right? So close your eyes, magic that hair right back into place (if it pleases you), and let your imagination go. For those of us loving the new cut, squee away. I am lucky to have such an outstanding friend as Anntastic for many, many reasons. But I must say, it is lovely to partner up with someone who feels the same way about The Hair as I do. During BelAmi filming? Bad. During Remember Me? Dirty. (But good. Dirty is gooood where Rob is concerned.) During The Great Shave of Dec2008? Great. We are both loving his new cut and will be waiting-- like the h00rs that we are-- for daily set pics.

Ah, nice and short on the sides and PLENTY up top for grabbing. Stew must be a happy gal.

A wise friend once said: "A shaved head against your thighs is HEAVEN."
Now will you please imagine the jaw scruff+shaved head combo on this man? That's what I thought.

Okay, for the haters out there: his shorter 'do is going to rock your fucking socks
as it grows and you KNOW it.
Just before it gets to the long and messy stage, it will be a most
heavenly length and it's going to be beautiful...

Again, you're kidding me, right? I have finally moved all Robporn (including but not limited to jawporn, hairporn, fingerporn, open-mouth porn, and plaidporn) and Rathboner material from my desktop to the photobucket account. And now this. Now I browse through and grab a brand new shitton of images while searching for just the right hairporn photos for this post. My folder is reaching maximum capacity yet again, and my computer's available memory is slowly approaching nil. Until I get these photos transferred over, I guess I will HAVE to waste my very valuable time staring at these:

Hairporn at its finest. My hands are all twitchy just looking at it.

I loooove his new cut but have ants in my pants for the day it hits this length again.

And just because I can't talk hairporn without posting this... This, my friends, is the most delicious fucking photo I have seen in a very long time. It will not escape the porn/hair folder, oh no.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The One Where We Blow.... Out His Candles

Twenty-four years and nine months ago, two very special people decided to shag. Twenty-four years ago Robert Thomas Pattinson thought it might be a good idea to make an arrival. And today we think it might be a good idea to wish this sexy piece of man a Happyfuckingbirthday.

Assuming you'd remove your hands from Rob's hair long enough to gift him something for his big day, what would it be? And while the entire continent is counting down (and then glued to) Oprah, what do you think he'll be up to? We have a few guesses...

Some Gifts We HOPE Rob Receives For His Birthday:

10. A silver sedan from the nice folks at Volvo. Now that he's back in LA for a while (we think), they know their favorite Stupid Shiny Volvo Owner needs some new fucking wheels.

Sure Rob, but only if it's a stick. Because I like to do it manually.

9. Two Dozen (get it? 24?) Kobe Meatballs shipped in compliments of Glowbal Grill & Satay Bar in Vancouver.

True fans know it, The Pattz likes these balls. A lot.

8. A large bag of oregano from the Stew. ::snicker::

7. A roll of quarters for the laundromat, courtesy of The Ellen Show. Plus an invitation to tape a special segment featuring Rob LEARNING TO DO LAUNDRY.

You want me to SEPARATE the BOXERS from the BEANIES?
(this manip from the hilarious ladies at Robnipulations)

6. A heartfelt letter from Dean, expressing thanks and gratitude for making him more recognizable than half the other cast members. The letter is accompanied by a small blue box containing matching Gold Shark Tooth mewelry pieces. #GuyLoveCannesStyle

5. Custom Birthday Cake from the Twilight Cougar Club (but really he knows it's from those freaky TwiMoms on Oprah).

I'd like a slice that sparkles, please.

4. Wolf-Pack Gift Basket from the entire Pack. Includes temporary Wolf Pack tattoos, Twilight air-freshener for the Volvo, "La Push, Baby!" bumper sticker, 1 dozen cupcakes from Emily's Wolfgirl Bakeshop, and a 1 Month Membership to Crunch in LA (hint, hint ItalyRob).

The Pack wants to PIMP. YOU. OUT.

3. A break from the media scrutiny. Inadvertently provided by Taylor, when he jumps on Oprah's couch while shouting "I LIKE BOYZZZZZ! THEY'RE AMAAAAAZING!" Rob & Kristen are subsequently able to roam LA for the rest of the weekend while the pappz are busy stalking Taylor & his supposed love interest, Justin Bieber. And Zac Efron.

O: (to the camera people) You're getting this, right? From all 3 angles?
Just keep rolling, keep rolling...

2. Membership to the Flannel of the Month Club from TomStu & the BritPack. But really it's just a duffle full of Rob's clothes they'd previously borrowed. #MoreGuyLove

1. THE Red Leather Jumpsuit & instructions to be home alone the following afternoon.

Dude, if you don't know what this jumpsuit means,
then all you'll be getting is the BitchBrow.

*********** ************** ***********

Things Rob MIGHT Do On His 24th Birthday
(w/ or w/o some of the prezzies from above)

10. Go Sparkling in the new wheels, natch.

*desperately longs for the old days with the crunked out BMW*

9. Shares his meatballs with Kristen... followed by a quiet dinner for two. Says Kristen, "Mmmm...they're savory."

8. Picks a fight with Stewy after she offers him "some of her oregano." Once he sorts out which "Oregano" she actually means, all is well. They wrap up the evening karoaking 80's rap & binge-eating Hot Pockets.

7. Folds his clean laundry with Ellen after taping the segment where he LEARNS TO WASH HIS CLOTHES. Clare & NanaPattz promptly phone the Queen to see if she'll grant Ellen an Honorary Dame-ship.

Blimey, Ellen! I must've gotten some fangirl's knickers mixed up with my wash!
Uh, no Rob, these are Kellan's....

6. Meets up with Russell Simons to work on that spectacular Brit-rap album he's been dreaming of for the last decade. Orchestrated by Oprah, of course.

I.... I have no words here.

5. Curls up with Kristen to watch the "behind the scenes footage" they shot in Oprah's Green Room when no one was looking. K: They said JUMP the couch, not HUMP!

4. Ring Mr. Daniel Radcliffe and demand that he hand over the fucking Goblet of Fire already. Birthday Boy's orders!

The Potter Boys really, really are...

3. Write effusive thank you notes to Tom Cruise Jr. for diverting all unwanted attention for a few days. Really, it's about time TayTay took some heat, right?

Show me the booo-tay!

2. Wastes his morning catching up on FB/Twitter/blogs, and last week's LOST.

1. Has a "jam" session with Kristen & the aforementioned jumpsuit. Pussy to the wood, baby.

In all seriousness, we hope it's a very happy 24th birthday for this very beautiful piece of man. We hope it's spent with friends and loved ones, doing the things he enjoys, with the privacy that he deserves. Happy Birthday Robert Thomas, & many many more!

Friday, May 7, 2010

The One With The Fuckhawt Friday

IT's FRIIIII-DAY! (I'm still on an Oprah high. Can't stop sing-songing my words all Oprah-style.) There's been a fuckton of Twi-news & excitement this week: the Breaking Dawn release date. The Twi-fecta (not us, boo!) + Dakota taping Oprah, more delicious Eclipse stills, The Met Gala, and oh yeah, drama/excitement over Kristen & Rob & the sort-of-official-but-not-really news via Ted/Oprah. Personally, I'm just looking forward to the Oprah-centric manips I'm working on for Rob's birthday post. Oh yes, there WILL be couch.

So yeah, it's FRIIIII-DAY! Let's look at some lovely-delish Twi-things from around the interwebs. But first, here's a special Mother's Day message for all the lovely h00rs that read Twi-fecta. MrsBing and I fully expect to be spoiled & coddled within an inch of our lives by our hubs & bebes. Yeah right! I'm just hoping for a day off from emptying the dishwasher (damn those plastic sippy cups that never dry.) Somewhere on Twitter I read the BEST statement: For Mother's Day, all I really want is a killer orgasm and to spend the rest of the day alone. That pretty much sums it up for me!!


A Better Trailer

Twilight Eclipse LIT' RAL Trailer
(really, seriously...take the time to watch this. It's fah-reaking hysterical.)

Edward From Twilight To New Moon
(really, this one will dazzle the panties off you!)

Ah yes, Edward Cullen Dream Boss
(good thing the panties are already wrecked...)

Have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend, ladies.
Be sure to let us know if you receive anything unusual.
Like a unicorn, or laundry that you didn't have to fold!


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The One Where It's Been Too Long, So Let's Go All In

*cracks knuckles and flexes fingers*
*exhales loudly*
*plants it on the couch and readies the laptop*

There is shame written all over this face. Our last fashion post was so long ago, it is horrifying. I want to promise that this will not happen again, but if Anntastic continues with the fic recs, I will certainly go another embarassingly long amount of time between fashion posts. Now that I am between fics, let me get down to business.

Imma gonna break down The Mr. first because he gave both loves and shits at the Tribeca Film Festival (in my lowly opinion). Thank you, thank you to this grown man for leaving lady-scarves AT HOME. They have no place on a man making his own fashion choices to begin with, but were he to break one out in April (smack! in the middle of Spring), I swear that I would leave no nice words for him in this here post. Since he steered clear, I will only shit on the sheen that killed his Awards Night suit. Why the sheen? Stop it with the fucking sheen already. Lucky for The Mr., he pulls it off much more nicely than Taylor. Maybe it's because he has a solid style and didn't pair the sheen with a fucking tux+bowtie. Just sayin'. The blue collared shirt that he chose matches his eyes perfectly, and he left it slightly unbuttoned. Adds a little sexy to the sheen, right? Even if it looks nicey-nice on Facinelli, THE SHEEN NEEDS TO STOP APPEARING. (*whispers* Unless it's in his jacket worn to the Chanel dinner. Nicefuckingchoice, for real. *wipes brow*)

There's a lot of sheen happening here. Can you see the difference in the bad sheen and the work-it sheen? There IS a difference.

Also in attendance at the Tribeca Film Festival was Nikki Reed. She showed at the premiere of Ondine and looked mighty uncomfortable in her Alice+Olivia ensemble. Why, Nikki? I found one photo of her without constipation-face. The problem was NOT her outfit, let's be clear on that. It's practically a given that Alice+Olivia delivers zero disappointment, and her choice for the evening was no exception. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. The blouson dress had a nice leather panel skirt (yumm-o) and that cropped jacket is trimmed with leather in exactly the right places. The best part? The jacket is named "Alice" and the dress is named "Nicky." I'll quote Anntastic here: #TwilightIsEverywhere.

If I were Nikki, I would have walked the carpet backwards, showing that little leather-clad backside to every photographer. If you can, you should. She should. Also, I'm thinking Rosalie would totes wear these pieces. What do you think?

Next up to bat is Anna Kendrick, and that's only because I'm saving the very best for last (but you already knew that). I've got two Kendrick goodies to share this time because I absolutely lovefuckinglove her style. A couple of weeks ago, she attended a party for the USWeekly Hot Hollywood Style Issue. Amen, sister friend! she showed up in one of my favorite dresses that she has ever worn. And while I am bummed to know that she's stashing her delicious collection of CoatPorn (thanks to this amazing weather), I am ecstatic to know that she's gonna bring out these little dresses again. EMILIO PUCCI, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. She is sofuckingtiny that I really feel the shorter, more petite dresses provide more flatter for her figure than the long and formal gowns do. Having said that, she did make a fab choice for the White House Correspondent's Dinner. Elie Saab haute couture for. the. win. I love when she chooses light colors, sheer make-up, and an up-do. She wore this entire look the right way, it was pure gorgessity (I'm borrowing that word, I know, but there's really no other description for her that night). She truly has a wonderful style, so classic and beautiful, so tasteful and age-appropriate, so complimentary to her body and skin tone. Kendrick knows.

So it'll never happen, but I am hoping with all of my little might that Anna will wear this dress again someday. And with a 5.5inch heel and a 1.5inch platform, all full of Sergio Rossi amazingness? YES.

Ooooh la. You know, I used to link Debra Messing with Elie Saab (word association). After a few more smart choices a la Anna Kendrick, I think that may change.

The best for last? It is obviously Kristen, obviously nailing it, obviously leaving us wanting more. She wore all Chanel to the MET Costume Institute Gala this year, and we should all be so thankful. This dress moved so nicely with her and was stunning. For her shape, for the event, for her style. It received mixed reviews, of course, but there were no complaints here. I love her so and for many reasons. Did you notice that she wore only ONE ring, where jewelry was concerned? No necklace, no bracelet, no earrings. A ring. And it wasn't a giant, look-over-here bauble. I maintain that those eyes are the only accessory she needs. The smirk doesn't hurt, either.

Smirk away, K. What with the eyes, hair, LEGS, and man... she's allowed the smirk. She's entitled to smirk. Smirky McLeggy? Also, Stewie may be thin, but SnapFace Zellweger is wasting away back there.

She will always bring the shoeporn, c'mon, it's a given. Funny thing: these exact same shoes have been worn by Kendrick on more than one occasion (in nude). Five and a half inches of loooooove.

Chanel accessories to seal the fucking deal. Her box clutch was of the onyx, stone-embellished variety (lucky bitch), and the ring was vintage (goes nicely with her hair, non?) and made of white gold and diamonds. Please to be LOVING the black polish as the perfect finishing touch.