Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The One Where We Had Shoegasms Aplenty This Week

Oh, how I waited for Sunday's style. Oh, how I was unprepared for what Kristen showed up in.

I have been telling my daughter for awhile now that, "good choices yield good consequences, while bad choices yield bad consequences." This obviously applies to fashion, as well. And I'm fairly certain that someone passed that tidbit along to Stew, probs post-BAFTAs. A poorly sized/fitted dress = a stance that is not charmingly awkward, but slouchy/uncomfy awkward (baaaad consequence). I'm thinking that she could tell the fit was off because she looked a little uncomfortable in it. She certainly turned that shit around, didn't she? Kristen redeemed herself in every way possible on Monday at the ELLE Style Awards and again on Tuesday at London Fashion Week. Let's get started.

Yes. Please. Everything was improved upon when she arrived at the Style Awards. Just start at the top and work your way down, okay? It's all an improvement after Sunday's fuck-up. Kristen has created quite the image for herself and she knows it. She is solidly worthy of the 2010 ELLE Style Woman of the Year Award that she snagged that day. And I'm so very glad that she chose this combo for the occasion. A fucking strapless wool pocket dress (Emilio Pucci Fall 2009 RTW, thankyouverymuch) that spoke volumes for her badass style + shoeporn by Bally + a leather jacket that completed her look so perfectly (my fave piece, no question). She's so deserving of this award, it's sick.

The 1020 By Nicole jacket gave her the edge that we expect to see.
But the dress alone? Geometry, fit, pocket, and cut saved the day.
This is an amazing dress and looks comfortable, to boot.
Her styling on Monday was nothing short of perfection.

Can we get three cheers for shoeporn? Yeah, thanks. Kristen's choice for Monday's event was none other than the Bally Amantea Criss-Cross Ankle Strap Sandal. These were featured in the ELLE UK Spring/Summer 2010 Accessories Report, that's how effing cool they are. And good on Kristen for wearing them to the ELLE Style Awards. Coincidence? Doesn't really matter, as they are almost five fuckhawt inches of beautiful heel. LOVE.

Just in case you needed a closer look... Yum.

Okay, here's where my Tuesday happiness hit the sunshine+unicorns level. I saw the first photo of Stew arriving for the Burberry Prorsum show and BAM! instant Stewgasm. Seriously. This whole line is just so beautiful and fresh and so well put-together. It is fluid and seamless and the fabrics/colors are brilliant. I first fell in love with this collection when Emma Watson's photoshoot pics hit the web. The coats made me a little wobbly, I loved them so much. I melted over the bags. Like, I am literally turned on when I catch glimpses of this collection. Having said that, you can imagine my reaction when KStew wore a couple of the pieces that I was so heavily in love with, namely the Bondage Strap V-Neck Blouse + Double-Knot Reef Skirt. Check it out:

Speechless. Burberry Prorsum consistently rocks my world.
Dress a girlcrush alternate in their breathtaking designs and I'm done. ded.

This coat (+bag) floored me. It is one of the most beautiful coats that I've seen in a very long time.
The talent behind it is mesmerizing, it's an actual piece of art. Gah!

It was apparently a Bally week for Ms. Stewart, as she finished up her London Fashion Week look with another pair of theirs. These are the Stann platform pumps that she also wore to The Yellow Handkerchief premiere. Which proves, yet again, how easy and low-maintenence she is. I've mentioned before how much I love her, right?

There she goes again with the flawless makeup and best-ever eyes.
Blurg! And a little more shoeporn for your weekend...

The One Where I Get Banned From the Fandom.

Ladies. It's Tuesday and this is the first you've heard from us post-BAFTA. The reason? It's taken me that long to recover, that long to come to terms, that long to regain coherency following the (here's where I get banned!) nasty-ass-greasy-hair situation that was on Rob's head Sunday night. Yep hookers, me no likey. Behold:

Dear Baby Jeebus, thank you for making the hands, jawline, and
impregnating stare permanent features on this man. Hearts, Anntastic

I'll start with the good parts - so that you know that I don't hate Rob - I just hate his hair at this ONE little event. The Gucci tux? Beautifully tailored & cut. The congenial & self-effacing attitude he carried on both the Red Carpet & during the event? Adorable. The jaw/chin/hand porn? Still functional as evidenced by more ruined & wrecked panties. So there's that.

Things that worked: The Gucci, the affable charm, and of course the handporn.

Now for the bad. It was greasy, smarmy, and downright WEIRD. There, I said it. Are you kicking me out of the fandom now? His smile was simpering, his hair was just....off. It actually physically HURTS me to look at these pics. The OCD in me CANNOT handle that stray "man-bang" hanging in his face. My hand physically TWITCHED looking at these. I won't even give him a "rain pardon" for that mess (For those counting, I'm not giving The Stew a rain-pardon for her craptastic hair either. And don't get me started on that ill-fitting dress. Nor for Miss Winslet while we're at it.) Come ON, Rob....we all know how often you rake your hand through that shit, so raise one & make it Robtastic. Just. One. Sweep. Of. Those. Fingers.....and all would be right with this world.

This is how it is done (LEFT). This is not (RIGHT).

Everyone in the online community lurved it, lurved the 'do, and MANY said it made them even more excited for Bel Ami (the movie he's currently filming & the reason for this god-awful haircut & sideburn situation). It did not have that effect on me - for the movie OR the hairdo. I'll still go see it, OBVIOUSLY, because I'm a h00r like that. But I am not excited about sitting through 2 hours of this 1800's version of a bowl cut. With mutton-chop sideburns I could use to sand down my kitchen table. Like I said earlier...The tux was impeccable & he was adorable as presented the award he was there to give (his hair DID look slightly better once on stage). I still adore him, of course. I just... The hair... It's like Crocs or Skinny jeans: I don't care that the masses enjoy them, I DO NOT!

Are you 7 and under? No? Then NO CROCS FOR YOU?
Are you under 16 and weigh less than an Olsen Twin? No? Then NO SKINNY JEANS FOR YOU!

So Rob, as your lovely leading lady goes forth & conquers London (MrsBing will be addressing said conquering that occured at Monday's Elle Awards and today's Burberry Show - hint, it was clutch) please take note: You don't have to have Edward hair all the time. But you do need to hold yourself to the standard you set with OscarRob, CannesRob, and of course NM PremiereRob. If you don't want to please your fans, at least aim to please The Fierce One. I think she's got some opinions on your 'do too.

BAFTA Bitchface: The only thing spoiling my night is my boyfriend's bad hair.
It's my job to get him back to the hotel & RUIN the shit out of that bloke....and his hair.

PS. My favorite part of the night? The happy ending.
(if I wasn't banned before, I certainly am now! :)

Friday, February 19, 2010

The One Where Kristen Raids My Shoe Closet

Don't I wish. But I'd love to raid hers. Like, right now. As you can tell, this little post is going to be a slew of fangirl-y comments toward our lovely Stew. If you're not cool with that, then you have my most sincere apologies. If you're still reading, then welcome! and please join us for a little oogling.

So, obvs her eye makeup is outstanding. Anntastic has made a fantastic point in that Kristen's eyes are never dull. Even when this chick is in a pair of nasty (yet still hot-- how does she do that?) jeans and an old tee (side-knotted a la 1986), her eye makeup is THERE. Her hair may be nice and unwashed, but her eyes are for all to see. And her eyes were certainly the focus last night. Stunning.

Sign me up for a few tips from the genius who works on Kristen's eyes.
Seriously. Those things are like her very own secret weapon.

Kristen scored even more points with me when she chose this dress. It is pretty cool, yes, but it is also from a 2009 ready-to-wear line. What?! A celebrity that did not choose a dress from a 2010 Fall/Winter collection? *gasp!* This is a rarity and I love it. Even though she is nowhere near accessible to any of us, choosing something that is attainable to the normal, non-famous folk (well, to some) really says something about her. She doesn't need to show us via clothing that she is SO much more awesome than we are. Because she doesn't care. And that kinda makes her even cooler in my books. Way to go, you.

The beautiful Stew wore this Azzaro Graffiti dress from the 2009 RTW Collection.
Basically, she's the coolest.

The best for last. Always. Shoes. When Anntastic sent me this photo last night, I purposely refrained from forwarding it to MrBing. He's coming down with the cold that the rest of the Bing family has, and he needed sleep. He wasn't going to get any after the legs and shoeporn in this here photo. Agree? Okay, so she obvs didn't raid my shoe closet. But if I had one and she could raid it, I think she would like what she saw. These would certainly be included.

Kristen was perfection, head-to-toe. Her black satin Bally platform pumps ("Stann")
clearly sealed the deal. I'll take a pair, thanks.

As for the movie, I'm definitely excited to see it. Of course I love the twi-cast, but I like seeing them show a little range. She has proven herself to be quite the talented actress, long before the Twilight saga. For the most part, she chooses roles that are challenging for her, that require actual thought and work, talent and effort. I expect nothing less than awesome from her in this role. Kristen rocks.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The One Where the Raddest Fucking Dude Alive Fills My Chocolate Void

Chocolate and Robporn. Robporn and chocolate. These two things have an uncanny ability to make me feel better, morning, noon, and night. No matter when I need a pick-me-up, I can open my file o' photos or indulge in a little chocolate (okay, I'm a lying bitch. Where chocolate is concerned, consumption is never "a little"), and it gives me the push I need to just keep swimming.

It looks like chocolate is OUT for all parties of the Bing and -tastic households.
This chocolate fun is on hold for six weeks, suckahs! Bummer.

Every year, during the Lenten season, I go without chocolate for six weeks. It has never been easy. But this year... Ah, this year I will have something to help me through the withdrawal symptoms. Because I'm NOT giving up my other vice, the said Robporn. Unh, unh, no way. I feel a bit like I'm cheating, no? Maybe that's the guilty Catholic in me. Whatever the reason for my guilt, I've decided to give up the one and NOT the other. I've never had the fuck-smattering of photos that are currently filed away, and I'm not about to voluntarily separate from them. This time last year, the file was named and contained a few staples. But thanks to my girl, Anntastic (and a handful of you other twi-hoors), it now holds an impressive collection. And it's going to ease the chocolate withdrawals (which started on Ash Wednesday morning, you should know).

DUDE, this is Robporn at its finest. Fuckity-fuck, he is sexy.
CannesRob was unbelievable and should be included in everyone's stash.

I actually have elevated levels of guilt going on, as I have kinda been looking forward to the missing chocolate in my life. You see, next week I will be the proud owner of an iPhone! I know I am years behind the times, but my upgrade date is finally nearing and I am beyondfuckingexcited. So thrilled. So, I'm kinda okay with the void that my beloved chocolate has left, because I know I am close to that beautiful piece of technology. It's gonna make the sanity- and withdrawal-saving Robporn so much more accessible. What was that you said? I'm going to be able to view it any time of the day? Like, in the carpool line at my daughter's preschool? When I'm losing my fucking cool near the end of the day? Oh, it's going to work wonders for my sanity, I can feel it. If I'm lucky, I'll have an assortment of Rob and j.action photos to rival Anntastic and another pal (you know who you are and you make the best homemade marshmallows on the planet) in no time.

These two photos will be among the very first to become mainstays on my iPhone
(after MrBing and the Bing kiddos, of course).
Holy crap, I love Tattward and j.action so much...

A quick aside: Anntastic's Fat Tuesday post was brilliant, yes. I am nerd enough to fangirl my own bestie/partner, as you'll see here quite often. I just want to add that Rob's nod to Coco de Mer did not escape me, either. Rather, it stuck out in the most fuckhawt of ways. If you have not already read his interview with Details mag, PLEASE do so now. He is actually brilliant and witty and thoughtful and just so real. Basically, he's the raddest fucking dude alive (a borrow from Van Wilder). In case you were unsure, you can find Rob "in the Guiness Book of fucking World Records under the raddest fucking dude alive." Go read the interview and let us know what you think.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The One With The Bedazzled Merkin (thanks, Rob)

Oh. My. Fuck. Yes, I'm going on instinct here & just opening my post with the F-bomb. Because who am I kidding? I LOVE to use it. It gets me through good times & bad. But seriously, what the FUCK am I doing waxing-poetic about the many versatile uses of the F-word when we could be talking about the MYRIAD of fuckhotedness that dropped over the weekend.

Details, Vogue (wearing Persol sunglasses....yummy) & a manip
since the Eclipse pics got yanked. (manip via ThinkingofRob)

We're talking Details pics, Vogue pics, and finally the Eclipse stills. 'Twas a visual assault of epic proportions and while it's Tuesday, I'm still nursing a RobpornOver people. By now you've seen them all - so I won't be walking you thru them. MrsBing did a fab job of that on Saturday anyway. What I'd like to call attention to - now that my eyeballs & thighs have stopped vibrating from visual the overload - is a DETAIL in Rob's Details interview.

Now much has been made of this interview. He's allergic to Vag (heh heh). The most poignant moments in his life (according to this interview) were with his dog Patty Pattinson. He's extremely smart, talks himself in intellectual circles, treats a dinner guest with manners my mom would be proud of, and pints are definitely a social lubricant. Oh....and he's fairly well-versed in sex shops & porn apparently. This would be the point that stuck out to me....

A shop? That Rob knows of? Where you can buy stuff to engage in Pony Play? I had to check this out. Taking a leaf from Edward Cullen I Googled the shit out of Coco de Mer. And here you have it: http://www.cocodemerusa.com/ Like the interview says - high end sex toy & bondage store. Very pretty website, with very pretty & very strange things. Like The Paul Seville Horsetail Belt in Black. For a mere $935.00. Can you imagine Rob pawing the ground like a horse? Neigh neigh!!!

Giddyup! Let's go for a ride.

From there I clicked my way around til I saw this next little gem. The Spanking Ruler - Teach Me a Lesson for $13.00. Didn't Rob attend a parochial school? Of course the ENTIRE time I'm on this site I cannot think of the REAL Rob, but any number of Fic Robs - I mean Fic Edwards - instead. I am certain Domward or Fifty Shades would HIGHLY approve. And considering the income most Ficwards have at their disposal, I think the second option - the Betony Vernon Spanking Paddle with ergonomic handle for $1700 - would be a drop in the bucket for them.

Thank you Sir, may I have another? Wonder if the Betony Vernon paddle feels like
rainbows & unicorn kisses when it hits your ass. For $1700, it better.

I thought this little tidbit was tres interesting. The Gentleman's Relish Lubricant. My favorite part is the graphics on the front of the bottle. For $27.00 you can lube your Peen up in style.

The graphics on the front of this bad boy are adorable. So very British. Oh Rob....

And finally, there was my VERY favorite item. Just in time for the gaudy-gaucheness of Mardi Gras... and perfect for a Sparkly Vampire... The Butterfly Merkin for a mere $145.00. The Swarovski crystal body art is reusable too... Like the the description says "Surprise your lover!" If you're a celebrity, you can imagine the car-exiting-papparazzi-flashing opportunities this would create. Dressy, but still commando!

Sadly, Britney Spears has ruined all butterflies for me.
I look at this & all I can think of is Chicken-Fried Brit Bits.

And with that, I'll leave you good pervs to ponder the insane fun that's to be found on Coco de Mer. I'm amazed I was able to pull myself away from the photos (& did I mention there is a video???) to scrutinize the actual interview so thoroughly. What I wouldn't GIVE to have seen Rob give that interview in a leather body-harness from an Equine point of view. Perez would have a hey-day with that.

By the by, it's Fat Tuesday. Last night to indulge. King Cake anyone? What (if anything) are YOU going to give up for Lent? Robporn? Eclipse spoilers? Chocolate? Details Magazine? Your Rabbit? Vanity Fair Outtakes? The F-bomb? I'd love to know, you pervy pervs!!!


PS - Guess what item on that website I spared you from? The Edible Chocolate Anuses. Yep... a trio of little chocolate buttholes in a variety of chocolate flavors. It's under "Sexy Gifts." Dare ya to look.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The One Where It's A HappyFuckingValentine'sDay

NGL, I had a pretty fantastic little post going for your Valentine's Day weekend. That shit went out the door last night when I put the Bing kiddos down and discovered the most panty-wrecking photos I have seen since THE Vogue outtakes. And I'm sorry, but my head's just not where it needs to be to finish that post. So I'm just going to go where I know you all want me to. Let's face it, ladies, if I half-assed the rest of that V-Day post and actually put it up here, you'd nix Twi-fecta for the stash 'o photos that you pulled last night. So here we go. And happyfuckingvalentinesday.

Is the sunshine necessary to highlight his perfect fucking features? I don't think so.
His eyes KILL ME. And even though his stare is most captivating, I still totes notice her nails. WTF?

Oh. My. Cock. Ohmycock. (The Sweetest Thing, please tell me you've seen it?) They may as well have photographed HIS because it's all anyone is thinking about today. Well, that and the hair. And the jaw. And the eyes. And the magical fucking fingers. And if I'm going to be honest, I've done a hell of a lot of thinking about the heels. Details got it right, eh? This shoot was done beautifully and was So. Damn. Sexy. Every one of the outfits that they put together for him were sublime. This shoot showed some seriously impressive styling, and I would LOVE to have been there to see the art direction of it all (for more than the obvs reasons).

There were so many photos and each one made the ladyplace happy.
But I'm going to be so bold as to claim a fave. *gasp!* And this is it.
His magicalfuckingfingers on the ass, the look on his face, his chest hair,
the ribbons on her heels, her bracelets, ooooh la!
There is everything about this photo to like. Hence the cover shot.

Now I'm going to direct you back to a post that was put out at the beginning of this year. Please be patient with me, it's for a reason. It was all about the three panty-prepping methods that we'd need for the explosion (heh.) of events coming up. Click on this photo for a refresher (because this is right about where I ruined mine).

Oh, heeeeey! My panties were caught by surprise, for sure. Is this guy even real?

Now, I know that a handful of you knew when to expect the release of these pics, but I was unprepared. My little undies had no time to get ready and there was zero time for me to put methods A, B, nor C into effect. I want to know: How would you have prepared for the Details pics? Would you change the panties, forget them altogether, or bring out the Shamwanties? I'm going with panties? What panties? Why change them when you're just gonna go through every fucking pair? Why pull out the Shamwanties when they won't serve the purpose they're designed for? So forget 'em. And if you have any on, I suggest you remove them fuckingquickly before you view the video. You can't say I didn't warn you.

After taking the prep-poll (on the right sidebar), follow your own advice and get ready...
Click on the photo above for a most delicious video. And enjoy. Happyfuckingweekend.

Wanna get pregnant every time you look at your desktop?
Visit Maria for this gorgeous - and many other equally panty-wrecking - gem!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The One Where Taylor Turns 18....awww!

So as yall know, amidst all the Remember Me promo spots (kitchen scene!) and Bel Ami rumours/set photos, it's also a big week for Mr. Lautner! That's right, we mentioned it a month ago...and here it is. Happy Birthday Taylor!

Many of Taylor's fellow Twi-cast members were super thoughtful and made sure he had lots of prezzies to celebrate bein' legal. Here's a look at the loot:

From Kellan... Calvin Kleins, natch. Tthe new poster boy for CK had to send his favorite wolf boy a coupla packs of very manly manties. Especially since KLutz & TayLaut are known for um, forgetting (or not?) to um, secure things down before a workout.

Very very manly manties.... yeah.

Watch it wiggle, make it jiggle.... Joggling, anyone??
Thank GOD they're not wearing Umbros.

Oh, and some porn. Because we all know that Kellan is totally into girls and straight dudes love the porn. That's what what you give your best buds when they turn 18, right?

Wait, er, not that kind of skin mag....

From Jackson, an online membership to Fanfiction.net and Twilighted.net. With Jasper as the Number 1 subject of all Slash pairings, you know Jackson has GOT to get online & check out what a slashy-Jasper does in the world of Fanfiction (several of the cast have admitted in interviews that they've checked out fanfic). I can only imagine how excited he is to introduce young Taylor to the world of "holy FUCK what have they done to my character?" And since Jasper's a hot Southern Empath, I don't even wanna know where they'll take the Wolfpack pairings now that Tay Tay is legal. The imagination reels with the sheer possibilities.

Taylor, your new online handle is "108DegreesLegal"

Get ready for your newest SLASH relationship, Taycob!
It's what REALLY happened in that tent scene!

From Kristen, who has often referred to her relationship with Taylor as that of a big sister/little brother, you know she'll want him to be safe (heh) and to school him in the ways of the world. Sort of like getting drunk at a few parties at the end of your Senior Year before heading off to college. You know, so you know what to expect. Except with Kristen, that'd be weed instead of Boone's Strawberry Hill. So how nice of her to send a Gift Certificate to her favorite LA head shop....

"Come on over to the Stewart house and
Cameron & Taylor & I will show you how it's done.
We won't smoke up on my front steps this time, though."

And from Rob... of course Rob is very busy at the moment giving mustache (or not) rides all over London as Georges Duroy. So he had Nick put together a little "Signature Rob" gift basket. Kinda generic, but what can you do when Nick's in charge? Included were:

A six pack of Heinie's, an LL Bean flannel, & a membership to the
Beanie of the Month Club. And I hear Stephanie's throwing in two tickets
to the Remember Me premiere, plus an umbrella to shield him from the fangirls.

And from Ashley? She's such a giver. And thinks she has so many qualities of Alice: good taste (?), likes to shop, likes to look pretty. She sent a gorgeous Alberto Alessi condom case. And some Sobe, of course.

For the discerning gentleman... here's hoping he's not a
one-shot wonder because this baby only holds one at a time!

If he doesn't get a chance to use the condoms
(I hear Daddy Lautner is a MAJOR cock-block),
he's at least got some good wank material for the spank-bank!

And finally, a gift from someone outside the Twi-cast! THE Gossip King of them all, Ted Casablanca from E Online dusted off the Blind Vice shelf and cleared a spot JUST for Tay Tay. Because nothing says LEGAL like being the subject of a Blind Vice!

So happy birthday, Taylor Lautner! Now put on some running shoes and RUN! Run like the wind. Because the Cougars are coming for you, I think I saw Cathi Hardiwicke leading the pack.