Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The One Where I Get Banned From the Fandom.

Ladies. It's Tuesday and this is the first you've heard from us post-BAFTA. The reason? It's taken me that long to recover, that long to come to terms, that long to regain coherency following the (here's where I get banned!) nasty-ass-greasy-hair situation that was on Rob's head Sunday night. Yep hookers, me no likey. Behold:

Dear Baby Jeebus, thank you for making the hands, jawline, and
impregnating stare permanent features on this man. Hearts, Anntastic

I'll start with the good parts - so that you know that I don't hate Rob - I just hate his hair at this ONE little event. The Gucci tux? Beautifully tailored & cut. The congenial & self-effacing attitude he carried on both the Red Carpet & during the event? Adorable. The jaw/chin/hand porn? Still functional as evidenced by more ruined & wrecked panties. So there's that.

Things that worked: The Gucci, the affable charm, and of course the handporn.

Now for the bad. It was greasy, smarmy, and downright WEIRD. There, I said it. Are you kicking me out of the fandom now? His smile was simpering, his hair was just....off. It actually physically HURTS me to look at these pics. The OCD in me CANNOT handle that stray "man-bang" hanging in his face. My hand physically TWITCHED looking at these. I won't even give him a "rain pardon" for that mess (For those counting, I'm not giving The Stew a rain-pardon for her craptastic hair either. And don't get me started on that ill-fitting dress. Nor for Miss Winslet while we're at it.) Come ON, Rob....we all know how often you rake your hand through that shit, so raise one & make it Robtastic. Just. One. Sweep. Of. Those. Fingers.....and all would be right with this world.

This is how it is done (LEFT). This is not (RIGHT).

Everyone in the online community lurved it, lurved the 'do, and MANY said it made them even more excited for Bel Ami (the movie he's currently filming & the reason for this god-awful haircut & sideburn situation). It did not have that effect on me - for the movie OR the hairdo. I'll still go see it, OBVIOUSLY, because I'm a h00r like that. But I am not excited about sitting through 2 hours of this 1800's version of a bowl cut. With mutton-chop sideburns I could use to sand down my kitchen table. Like I said earlier...The tux was impeccable & he was adorable as presented the award he was there to give (his hair DID look slightly better once on stage). I still adore him, of course. I just... The hair... It's like Crocs or Skinny jeans: I don't care that the masses enjoy them, I DO NOT!

Are you 7 and under? No? Then NO CROCS FOR YOU?
Are you under 16 and weigh less than an Olsen Twin? No? Then NO SKINNY JEANS FOR YOU!

So Rob, as your lovely leading lady goes forth & conquers London (MrsBing will be addressing said conquering that occured at Monday's Elle Awards and today's Burberry Show - hint, it was clutch) please take note: You don't have to have Edward hair all the time. But you do need to hold yourself to the standard you set with OscarRob, CannesRob, and of course NM PremiereRob. If you don't want to please your fans, at least aim to please The Fierce One. I think she's got some opinions on your 'do too.

BAFTA Bitchface: The only thing spoiling my night is my boyfriend's bad hair.
It's my job to get him back to the hotel & RUIN the shit out of that bloke....and his hair.

PS. My favorite part of the night? The happy ending.
(if I wasn't banned before, I certainly am now! :)


Latchkey Wife said...

I totally agree. I hated the hair. It made me feel violent. Like I could kick a puppy. And I love puppies.... Just sayin.

17foreverlisa said...

If I kick you out, then I have to kick myself out. I love Rob and and the whole idea of Robsten.

I didn't think it was Kristen's best look, but it wasn't horrible. And if she's doing Rob for real, she should get an Oscar for her performance. Just sayin'.

And now for my boy. It pains me to say this "out loud," but I did not love his hair that night. There's no way he could run his fingers through it because he would have had to wipe his fingerporn hands on his Gucci-hugging ass afterwards.

I've seen the set pictures for Bel Ami, as I'm sure you have, and his hair was not greasy. I think he was the unfortunate victim of a stylist that needs to be thrown under the bus . . . immediately . . . and then backed over again.


Isabella MARIE Cullen said...

Holy crap! I totally agree with you....I guess I was just too chicken to say it. I kinda cringed when I saw the pics. Rob was seriously having a BAD HAIR DAY....but hey, who the hell doesn't, right? We still ♥ him!!!!!

Snarkier Than You said...

Hey i tweeted that night that I didn't like the hair so I am with you, sister - lol!

btw love that pic of KStew - if i had people taking pics of me every second there would be a LOT of really really disgusting faces so i kinda feel bad for her what with that puss on her face going on the record but it is kinda funny! aaaaand she got to leave with RPatts so i shouldn't cry TOO much for her, right??

: )

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