Thursday, December 31, 2009

The One Where 2010 Requires A Little Bit of Prep

2010 is finally upon us and there is oh so much to look forward to. I do, however, suggest a little prep-action before the goodness begins. The events that 2010 will bring are going to ruin le undies. Trust me on this. I can offer up three suggestions as to properly prepare for the onslaught of delicious, in the event that you are not already aching and ready for it. You will need to either: A) Restock your panty supply (and fill up that drawer because there will be changes-a-plenty) B) Skip the undies altogether (this may be your best option. Just sayin’.) C) Pull the “Shamwanties” out of your gift basket and put those bitches to use. Seriously.

The event that I am currently prepping for is the 100 Cities with 100 Monkeys Tour. Please don’t even get me going on this one. Eh. Here I go anyway. I have been trying so hard to desensitize myself (it is even possible, people?) to the HOT that is j.action and j.rad in hopes of being somewhat in control of my situation when they come to my fabulous city and I am able to stand within feet of this ridiculous band. I honestly don’t think that any amount of prep work (music, photos, videos, over and over and over) will increase my chill factor at all when that glorious time comes. I cast my vote (more like a plea, if I’m going to be honest) three months ago in hopes that they would choose my city. I refreshed my screen hundreds of times on October 28th, just hoping to glimpse my city on that list. YES! They’re coming! But when? WHEN?! The suspense is killing me, but they have finally started leaking out the tour dates. I am trying to be patient. In my prep, I’m considering Option B, obviously. j.action is on my list, you know. Commando is the way to go where the list is concerned, right?

100 Monkeys. Yes. And yes. And yes.

That show is going to take a bit of recovery time, then I’m on my way to prep for Eclipse. It goes without saying that this next installment is going to be ah-mazing. I’m thrilled to see what David Slade has in store for us and I am dying to see our fave cast back in action. June 30th, June 30th, June 30th… I feel like I just cannot wait that long, yet I know that I’m gonna need the time to get those “Shamwanties” ready. I’m going with prep-Option C for this event because let’s face it: I’m going to need something for that movie, I will be sitting in a chair for a couple of hours, I’m NOT getting up to change them. “Shamwanties” it is. Problems solved.

David Slade tweeted this photo during filming. I love it.

Comic-Con + Twi-cast + Twi-fecta = a room full of sexualfuckingtension. That event is going to be mad and I am going to enjoy every minute of it. The plaid! The flannel! The eye-fucking across the panel table! The slight touches during the photo ops! Robsten delivers quite often where that shit is concerned. And to say I am thankful would be an understatement. Of the year. I’m going with Option A for San Diego prep. I do not yet know which day they’ll be gracing us with the aforementioned tension (insert *unf*) so I’m thinking I’ll bring a shitload of underwear. SO. READY.
Dude. When he snuck his hand over hers... No. Words.

Oh, there’s so much more. Anntastic meet-ups (thank you, Santa!), January 15th (ALE sequel!), Eclipse press tour, Breaking Dawn filiming (and any details—grrrrrrr, I’m an impatient bitch about this)… So I suggest that you get to prepping yourself, as well. It’s going to be a happyfuckingnewyear. I can feel it.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The One Where I Fangirl ("pimp") Lola

I've been waiting to do this post since before I started this blog. But for reasons I'll explain below, I could not. So to quote Alice, "It's time!"

I'd read a smattering of fics last spring before I discovered Lolashoes early in the summer. And when I did, Sweet Baby Shiloh! There was no stopping me. I tore through everything she'd written and told anyone who'd listen about it. When our blog finally came to fruition the first Fanfic I wanted to recommend was Lola's Let Your Light Shine. (side note: it was actually a toss-up btwn LYLS & Dark Side of the Moon - which I rec'd because it's phenomenal AND the timing was PERFECT with New Moon's premiere!) However, Ms. Shoes had pulled two of her fics for re-working, and I couldn't very well recommend something that wasn't out there. But guess what, hookers? Let Your Light Shine and it's FANTASTIC sequel A Life Extraordinary go back up on January 1, 2010. AND! The follow-up to ALE will start posting on January 15th! So this post is really a massive Fanfiction rec / Lola pimp / major fangirl moment. So pay attention, because here's the nitty-gritty.

A Life Extraordinary....printed out & gazed upon by Edward.

Let Your Light Shine is Lolashoes AU, BxE, 17 Chapter continuation of the Twilight Saga, picking up at Breaking Dawn's famous "fade to black" scene. Lola takes Bella & Edward's honeymoon from there....and makes it everything we'd hoped for and more. She takes you through their weeklong honeymoon - and yes, there is WAY more than just smut & feathers... There's character development, plot, all the Cullens, and some of the best quotes you've ever read. And her story ends with Bella's change. I cannot appropriately express how fantastic this story is, or how well-written, or just how beautifully Lola built on the Canon story & characterizations. It really is everything you'd want to see for our beloved couple.

Clickity-click & go READ!

A Life Extraordinary (the sequel to LYLS), is Lola's 47-Chapter continuation of Bella & Edward's life after the change. She reveals Bella's gift (it's not the same as the book!), shows us daily life with the Cullens, and takes us along as Bella & Edward explore their love and meaning to one another now that they are on equal physical footing. There are "Love Days" and hunting trips. There are outtakes and even resolution to Edward's leaving in New Moon. It is truly extraordinary. If you thought you loved Bella & Edward before...

In addition to Lola's gorgeous fics reappearing on January 1, she also debuted a new blog the other night - If you love her writing, please take a look. She'll be posting teasers, visual "inspiration", and her posting schedule. You can also link to her other fics over on the right-hand side. (I'll be talking about those in upcoming rec posts too!) Bee-tee-dubs, Lola's fabulous website was created by THESE lovely ladies!)

Click to visit Miss Shoes!

And finally, the last bit of Lola-news is the LYLS / ALE Tribute that TwiSherry is doing over on her blog - Every day she's posting pictures (sexy ones! like, REALLY sexy ones!) that correspond with each of the chapters, as well as quotes, reader reviews, etc. I've been helping her out with it and it's so much fun. Please go take a look at all of Sherry's hard work!

She's SUCH a tease!!!

And with that, I will close. Go get your Lola on starting January 1, or even now if you clicky the link to Pictease! But I promise - you will not be disappointed! Besides, you probably want to know what a Love Day is! And, starting January 15, the sequel (she's not released the name!) to ALE will debut. I can hardly wait! (queue fangirl squeeeeee!)

I told you I'm a total slut for Lola! I even have a t-shirt to prove it!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The One Where We Deal With The Drought

**Please see note at end of post!**

It's been ages. No Rob. No Stew. Not even TayTay (though Ms. Swift-y has been out & about.) Even the event-staple Miss Greene hasn't been seen walking her dog or shamelessly showing up in the gift lounge at some "Charity For Drunken Celebrities" dinner. **Ironically, within hours after posting this, news broke that Tay2 was kaput, & Ashley & her dog departed out of LAX. Maybe this post will bring more ROB?** Anyway...Blogs are going nuts reposting old interviews, pictures, etc. The Twitter crowd is RT'ing the hell out of any & all Robporn. Photographers & magazines are releasing new outtakes - but maybe only 1 or 2 at the most. It's a DRY SPELL people, and the fandom needs lubrication to get through this. (why...why does it always go back to lube for me?)

So my question to yall is: What are you doing to survive this dry spell? Or are you just biding your time by picking up your REAL life where you left off? You know, the one where you cooked dinner, read REAL news, sought out REAL books at the library, and spent time with your family. As for me? Instead of doing all the things I SHOULD be doing (take down Christmas decs, put away outgrown kids clothes, finish thank you notes, diet, work out, etc) here's what I HAVE been doing:

Anntastic23's PATTINsonED Plan
for Surviving The Drought of 2009:

1. Fanfiction. Obviously, this goes without saying. But the amount of fic I've managed to read since the New Moon premiere & press hoopla died down is INSANE. I may or may not have created a 3 page spreadsheet to keep track of the Fics I've read (catagorized into Completed Fics, Work-in-Progress, and One-Shots...naturally.)

And this is only page 1 of 3. I'm giddy with organization.

2. Re-Evaluating my Top 5 Girlcrushes in Advance of the Winter Awards Season. Nothing prepares you better for the onslaught of talent and photo-ops brought on by Sundance, The Globes, and of course, The Oscars. The "Girlcrush List" is the female equivalent of the Freebie 5. It's the TOP 5 ladies you'd go lesbison for. Or make out with. Or steal their shoes. Because my girlcrush list is FULL of bitches with fantastic shoes. In light of Ms. Kendrick's turn in Up in the Air, I've had to head back to the drawing board & rearrange some things (Down you go, Ellen Page....Yes, that's nice.....Make room for Anna K....Great....Now, Ms. Portman, you stay right where you are.... Very good. KStew, you're on top....OK, now Ms. Deschanel you'll remain in slot #2...) And just like that, I'm ready to see what the winter awards bring us!

Mad talent and mad steeze. Can't wait to see what they wear on their feet.

3. Playing with Action Figures. So yall have seen our Edwards. You've even seen him have his way with Spiderman. We have some new residents at the Anntastic house. They're from Star Wars. It's fun. It pisses off my husband. It passes the time. Enough said!

Say it. Out loud.... WOOKIE.

Really Edward?
AGAIN w/the whole "Your schwartz is as big as mine?"

4. Organizing the Robporn. Now here's a way to pass time that's actually PRODUCTIVE and fun! I mean, COME ON...did we not just go through the photo-spree to end all photo-sprees? Sweet Baby Shiloh, November was out of control! I was dragging photos off the blogs right & left and they were all over my desktop! And now, during the drought? I shall organize (and for those of you who know me, almost nothing gives me greater pleasure than organizing. To quote Monica "I think I had a tiny little orgasm right there!")

Organizing + Robporn = INSTA-GASM!

And with that, I'm off to make use of my time. Until Rob & Crew show up to make our panties go "poof!"... Until Sundance... Until the Oscars... Until a director is selected for Breaking Dawn... Until trailers & stills from Eclipse surface, Until Remember Me premieres in March... We'll be here. With VERY well-organized Robporn.

** As most of you know, HE'S ALIVE! And well! In London! Pictured with his sister, Lizzie. Article appeared yesterday in British paper. You know what this means? Anntastic got one of her Christmas Wishes!

via The Sun

Monday, December 28, 2009

The One Where I Dabbled In Naughty and Nice

Christmas Eve was filled with anticipation for all members of the Bing household. The tiny Bing’s were obviously antsy for Mr. Claus, while MrBing was hopping-excited to put toys together and finish off a plate of cookies. I, on the other hand, was anxious to learn Santa’s verdict. You see, I dabbled in NICE and NAUGHTY this year. Would I wake up to a surprise from my Nice List or a happyfuckingfriday from my Naughty List?

Dear Santa-
I’ve been really, super-nice this year. I’m hoping you might bring me what I have been wishing for. I would love to read the completion of Midnight Sun. I would like better hair for Jasper (poor, poor Rathbone). A rewrite of Bella's horrific choice of name for her child would be sheer perfection (please, oh please!). A change-of-name for Renesmee would be a very Merry Christmas, indeed. I would appreciate a sneak-peek of Bella’s wedding dress. I'd also like to see an Oscar nom for the gorgeous Anna Kendrick. She deserves it, "Movie-Night-With-Anna!" And some good, quality time with Anntastic23 would be nothing short of lovely. Please and thank you!

The suspense is killing me. Maybe a little preview, Santa? Pretty please?

I’ve been fantastically naughty this year. I want to read the completion of CW&IA. I need more pulling of Edward’s hair in the Twi-flicks. A detailed rewrite of the tent scene in Eclipse will be necessary (this should include Jacob’s dirrrrty thoughts, as well as exactly how much he was "packing" up against Bella). Think specifics! I also want a sneak-peek of the Isle Esme headboard-destroying, feathers-flying good time that we won’t get at the theatres. I'd also like better Red Carpet Fashion Choices for Ms. Greene (no bump-its, please!) Last but not least, I will need one of Anntastic23’s “Dream Gift Baskets.” And don’t leave anything out. Thanks.

That's right. Just a bit more of the hair pulling.

So, what do you think he left me? (Besides the Wide Awake Epilogue - THANK YOU, Mr. Claus!!!)

*Added by Anntastic:

Dear Santa-
I'd like everything on MrsBing's list. Plus, I want to use one of my Wish List items for Rob. Please make sure he's "gettin' some" this holiday, ok? Since it's obviously not with me, I hope he & the Stew have had some SERIOUS non-paparazzi time. I also hope that Mrs. Pattinson will get some family time with her son. Yep, that is for sure on my NICE list. I'm a mom... of a boy. And I can only wish that for the mother of The Most Beautiful Man Alive. I'd also love for you to bring me a behind-the-scenes video of the Harper's Bazaar photoshoot. Please include smelling salts with that, because I'll need them. And finally, I wish for more quality time with MrsBing. The yin to my yang. Make sure her stocking is stuffed, ok? Thanks, Santa!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The One Where We Wish You a Merry Christmas

This morning, in preparation for the onslaught of Christmas Madness, I was tidying up and noticed some action over by the tree. Actually, the Wee Miss tipped me off, and she was less than thrilled with The Boys moving in on her gifts.

Back off mah pressies, bitches!

I inspected things more closely and guess who had a little Vamp Christmas party last night? Looks like our Naughty ex-Manny has made nice with our Nice Manny. A lot can happen with a little social lubrication, it seems.

No papz...this'a VIP section!

I questioned some of the other "residents" about what went on, and apparently it was an all out orgy in our tree. I feel like I almost walked in on some sort of Eyes Wide Shut situation. I guess this is what happens when the "It" Guy/s of 2009 meet up with TV's first gay couple.

This kind of thing just doesn't happen on Sesame Street!
Says Edward, "but it does in our world!"

But, alas...this IS Edward/s we're talking about. There were tender moments - slow-motion kissing, possibly a leg-hitch or two. Some arguing about who got to drive home, and then? Fade to black of course.

Guess what's in the "package?"
*whispers* I bet it's a nice shiny Volvo...

I left those two alone to enjoy their post-coital happiness in the glow of the Christmas lights. I'm just shocked tree branches weren't snapped (or worse) while they were getting their Vamp on. NM Edward has the night off from Manny duties. In the meantime, I'm off to do some more decorating.

So from Mrs Bing and me to you - our lovely readers - we wish you a very Merry Christmas (or Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever holiday you celebrate!) and a fantastic, New Year. Besides Rob under the tree (god that KStew is one lucky bitch!) we wish for you good health, happiness, and time with your loved ones. We look forward to getting our Vamp on with you in 2010! xoxo

Naughty or nice, I'm stuffing your stocking....

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The One Where I Welcome Rathbone to My List. Yes. Please.

Please tell me that you have a list. MrBing and myself agree that it is essential to le marriage. ESSENTIAL. We have a few rules that apply in order for the list to be valid:

1. Five freebies are allowed.
2. Only celebrities may fill the list (for obvious reasons, people).
3. You may have alternates. However, if there’s a run-in with an alternate, NOTHING is permitted. (Our fifth position generally rotates through the alternates, depending on recent movies, albums, photo shoots, etc.)
4. There must be a running, “laminated” copy. Instead of actually laminating our lists, we choose to keep them official on
Lainey’s website. Under “Freebie 5.” It’s totally official if it’s on her “Freebie 5.”

With those rules laid out, allow me to explain how the second Twi-man made it to my list.

This past summer, I dreamt of a new Twi-man. He appeared out of nowhere and swept me off my feet. I don’t recall thinking about him before falling asleep, but I certainly woke up thinking about him. And have been since. I fucking pranced downstairs, signed in to my Freebie5, and wiped Matt Damon from the list. Matt Damon. Enough said. Mr. Rathbone is on the list and he is staying. Tell me this photo does nothing for you and I’ll tell you all about the dream. You’ll be mixing up your list in no time. Assuming you have one. And you’d better. It’s great for your relationship, I swear it.

Welcome to the list, Mr. Rathbone. You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The One With The Gift Basket of Delights

Oh my Twilight lovelies. It's that time of year. Time for feeling warm & fuzzy. For cherishing your nearest & dearest. I'm not gonna lie, I'm usually a raging bitch right about now. For reasons that shall remain unnamed here *coughfamilydramacough* I usually prefer to fast-forward from Halloween directly to January 2nd. But, this year is different. Even though I JUST started my shopping today. And have maaaaybe only done a tiny bit on my massive Christmas Card list. But instead of being in an all-out panic, I'm only mildly panicked, and I feel rather festive. Personally, I blame Rob. I have been looking at a healthy dose of his image every single day....and I do believe it's lowered my blood pressure, calmed my anxiety, and let's be honest... probably caused more than a few COP's (change of panties).

I will dazzle you with my knowing stare, my devil-may-care stubble,
& of course,the handporn. I ALWAYS bring the handporn.

And because I'm feeling so giddy (I just realized - the procurement of ComicCon tickets by Mrs Bing & me today might just have a weeeeee bit to do with my holiday cheer!) I want to share my favorite gift selections for the Fan-Fictionista in your life. Many of our bloggie colleagues are featuring all the Twilight merchandise that can be purchased for the diehard Twihard (as they should!). But let's REALLY get down to the nitty gritty...who wants Edward's "Blue Steel" stare looking at you from a fleece throw, when you can be enjoying something a little more satisfying UNDERNEATH said throw?

So without further adieu, here's my "Dream Gift Basket" for the ultimate fanfiction fanatic. Let's get smutty, hookers.... And for those of you not yet immersed in fanfiction, hold on to your panties, this fandom has a LOT of, um, fun.

The Vamp. Is it not the most obvious & essential companion for any reader of Twilight Fanfiction? It sparkles, it's durable, & you can serve it up cold if that's your bag, baby. And, NGL, it's very prettah as far as dildos go. (do note, it does not vibrate...just, um, fyi.)

Did I DAZZLE you?

Magic Cream. It's the product that's sweeping the fandom. Bare kitties are all the rage nowadays, & the same holds true in the fic world. Here's the product that's a happy compromise between seeing your waxer & making nice with your Venus razor. For the Nitty Gritty on a Bare Kitty, please see Bri's fantastic review over on the Perv Pack's Smut Shack. Make your holidays go a bit, um, smoother. Everyone wins!

Who can beat $3.99 for Lady Jane this smooth?!

Custom Shamwow "Shamwanties." For obvious panty-kersplosion situations including (but not limited to) reading fanfiction, viewing Robporn (i.e. Vanity Fair outtakes), watching NM, listening to Rob/Sam/Marcus/Bobby sing, and so on. Shamwow - you'll say WOW every time!

Could this same concept not be applied to ladies panties? Yes and please!

Lube. If you're gonna take the Vamp for a ride, or try out a few lemons from your favorite fic w/that special person in your life, let's be honest - you need lube if you wanna satisfy your quiver. Especially if you're thinking about the Buttsecks. I'm not even going to specify a brand here, because in my search for an image I encountered sofaking many brands that my head is spinning. Who knew that that there IS indeed an organic anal lube? There is! And there's lube that's paba/glycerin/etc-free, there's lube for use with leather, silicone, and even elastomer products. Don't even get me started on the names (Gun Oil H2O? Good Head? Lubricant Liquers?) Whatever your poison is, just grab some 'glide & throw it in your little Twilight goody bag.

A nightstand essential...

Caffeine. Though most everyone in the Fandom adores Starbucks (while some of us opt for local-only coffee-fixes when possible!) it's clear: regardless of where it comes from, we need our FIX. It's like a drug. Our own personal brand of heroin (wait, that's Edward). But particularly when you're being owned by some fic & find yourself reading until 3 AM because YOU CANNOT STOP! You're gonna need a hit first thing the next morning. Start with Twilight Coffee - in 4 different varieties!

Coffee & Edward? Two of my favorite things. Make it a Venti, please.

And that, my pretty pervs, wraps up MY favorite stocking stuffers for your favorite Fanfiction fanatic. Say what you will about those reading it, but ask our Significant Others...they'll agree 100% that it will indeed be a Merry Christmas. (There was a Come All Ye Faithful joke in there, but I let it slide. Well, maybe not.)

Friday, December 11, 2009

The One Where Five Inches Does the Job Just Fine, Thanks

Oh. My. Anna. It seems Miss Kendrick likes to tease with le shoes. Shoe porn alert. She is fabulous in many ways and has some crazy talent to rub in our faces. So imagine how freaking thrilled I am that she knows how to dress. When the style display doesn’t match the talent, it’s a fucking bummer. (A la BDH on 12/10. NOT going into that here. Extreme devastation and I don’t want to ruin your weekend.) So, let’s stop and stare for a moment or two:

Miu Miu Round-Toe Lattice Pump, 5 inches

And now get your shit back together because you’re not friends with Rob nor George nor any member of the wolfpack and you don't own a pair of porn such as those. She knew that the Miu Miu’s were clutch, too. She wore them two days in a row. And don’t you dare gasp at that. Five inches of fuckability such as these deserve to be shown off. Here she is, showing us the love:

The lovely Anna arriving at Letterman on Monday, December 7. ROCKING these shoes.

Anna at the Golden Globes Young Hollywood Party on Tuesday, December 8.

I'd like to give my lowly opinion on her choice of dress for the Globes Party. I really, really love it when someone so awesome chooses a piece from the season that the rest of the world is currently living in. It makes that person seem a little more real, more accessible. Not that she's accessible. She's pals with Rob and George and the whole of the wolfpack. Not to mention, the dress I'm referring to was designed by Catherine Malandrino herself. Not accessible. But it is from the Malandrino Fall 2009 line. Much preferrable to the Spring 2010 pieces that some celebs are already wearing. I'm just sayin'.

So beautiful, both the lady and the shoes. It's love.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The One Where We Find a New Manny

As some of you might know, my household (read: ME) is in posession of one Fun Size Edward. He came to us (probably from China) last Spring and things really seemed to go swimmingly at first. FSE was fun, portable, and didn't require much in terms of sustenence or necessities. He spent most of his time lurking behind my iMac, staring at me and monitoring computer usage.

When not perfecting his stalker-like tendencies (though we were fully aware of this trait...I mean, I HAVE read Twilight) he even did some charity work, playing host to the newly inaugurated President and Senator McCain early last summer. In fact, this work was featured over on Twitarded last June.

The Cullens are more than ready to assist, Mr. President.

Eventually, it became obvious that he really had a knack with the kids. He kept my then 11-month-old entertained, ruled over the backseat shenanigans during roadtrips...

You can imagine our shock when he accompanied us to the birthday party for a close friend's 2 year old daughter. The gifts had been opened, children had returned to the bounce house outside, and I walked in the living room to find THIS:

What if I'm not the superhero?
What if....I'm the BAD guy?

Needless to say, Fun Size Edward lived up to his name - he had fun with ALL sizes! Though I'm not one to be all judge-y about who or how many one chooses to make sexytimes with, at a 2 year old's birthday party just didn't pass the smell test for me. (Not to mention that the owner of the Superheroes and I were caught by her husband sprawled out on the floor in hysterics posing this little threesome.) Shortly thereafter, Manny Edward was demoted from his position and has once again resumed his post hanging out behind the iMac...staring at me. Though we do ask him to tend bar at our adult parties sometimes...

I hate cater-waitering.

We have a new Manny now. His name is also Edward. New Moon Edward, to be exact. And he knows how to play nice with the locals. We'll share more of his adventures as we go along....

Ahhh.... I see your Schwartz is as big as mine....
let's see how well you.... handle it.