Oh my Twilight lovelies. It's that time of year. Time for feeling warm & fuzzy. For cherishing your nearest & dearest. I'm not gonna lie, I'm usually a raging bitch right about now. For reasons that shall remain unnamed here *coughfamilydramacough* I usually prefer to fast-forward from Halloween directly to January 2nd. But, this year is different. Even though I JUST started my shopping today. And have maaaaybe only done a tiny bit on my massive Christmas Card list. But instead of being in an all-out panic, I'm only mildly panicked, and I feel rather festive. Personally, I blame Rob. I have been looking at a healthy dose of his image every single day....and I do believe it's lowered my blood pressure, calmed my anxiety, and let's be honest... probably caused more than a few COP's (change of panties).
I will dazzle you with my knowing stare, my devil-may-care stubble,
& of course,the handporn. I ALWAYS bring the handporn.
And because I'm feeling so giddy (I just realized - the procurement of ComicCon tickets by Mrs Bing & me today might just have a weeeeee bit to do with my holiday cheer!) I want to share my favorite gift selections for the Fan-Fictionista in your life. Many of our bloggie colleagues are featuring all the Twilight merchandise that can be purchased for the diehard Twihard (as they should!). But let's REALLY get down to the nitty gritty...who wants Edward's "Blue Steel" stare looking at you from a fleece throw, when you can be enjoying something a little more satisfying UNDERNEATH said throw?
So without further adieu, here's my "Dream Gift Basket" for the ultimate fanfiction fanatic. Let's get smutty, hookers.... And for those of you not yet immersed in fanfiction, hold on to your panties, this fandom has a LOT of, um, fun.
The Vamp. Is it not the most obvious & essential companion for any reader of Twilight Fanfiction? It sparkles, it's durable, & you can serve it up cold if that's your bag, baby. And, NGL, it's very prettah as far as dildos go. (do note, it does not vibrate...just, um, fyi.)
Did I DAZZLE you?
Magic Cream. It's the product that's sweeping the fandom. Bare kitties are all the rage nowadays, & the same holds true in the fic world. Here's the product that's a happy compromise between seeing your waxer & making nice with your Venus razor. For the Nitty Gritty on a Bare Kitty, please see Bri's fantastic review over on the Perv Pack's Smut Shack. Make your holidays go a bit, um, smoother. Everyone wins!
Who can beat $3.99 for Lady Jane this smooth?!
Custom Shamwow "Shamwanties." For obvious panty-kersplosion situations including (but not limited to) reading fanfiction, viewing Robporn (i.e. Vanity Fair outtakes), watching NM, listening to Rob/Sam/Marcus/Bobby sing, and so on. Shamwow - you'll say WOW every time!
Lube. If you're gonna take the Vamp for a ride, or try out a few lemons from your favorite fic w/that special person in your life, let's be honest - you need lube if you wanna satisfy your quiver. Especially if you're thinking about the Buttsecks. I'm not even going to specify a brand here, because in my search for an image I encountered sofaking many brands that my head is spinning. Who knew that that there IS indeed an organic anal lube? There is! And there's lube that's paba/glycerin/etc-free, there's lube for use with leather, silicone, and even elastomer products. Don't even get me started on the names (Gun Oil H2O? Good Head? Lubricant Liquers?) Whatever your poison is, just grab some 'glide & throw it in your little Twilight goody bag.
A nightstand essential...
Caffeine. Though most everyone in the Fandom adores Starbucks (while some of us opt for local-only coffee-fixes when possible!) it's clear: regardless of where it comes from, we need our FIX. It's like a drug. Our own personal brand of heroin (wait, that's Edward). But particularly when you're being owned by some fic & find yourself reading until 3 AM because YOU CANNOT STOP! You're gonna need a hit first thing the next morning. Start with Twilight Coffee - in 4 different varieties!
Coffee & Edward? Two of my favorite things. Make it a Venti, please.
And that, my pretty pervs, wraps up MY favorite stocking stuffers for your favorite Fanfiction fanatic. Say what you will about those reading it, but ask our Significant Others...they'll agree 100% that it will indeed be a Merry Christmas. (There was a Come All Ye Faithful joke in there, but I let it slide. Well, maybe not.)