Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The One Where We Bring Unicorns

This is a tale about Four Girls and their Unicorns.

In just under 24 hours (at time of post) most of us will be sitting in a theater gazing at the screen as if we've just seen the Rapture. His Sparkliness returns - bigger, sparklier, and this time without tweed. Takes a pretty damn devoted fan to do this at midnight. Most of my fandom friends have made plans -some seeing all 3 movies right in a row (eeeep!), others traveling far & wide (hi MrsVanquish!) to be with their Twi-besties. So how is it that I'll be seeing the 3rd installment as a QUADRUPLE date with non-Twi friends (albeit besties)? Lemme tell you. Because bitches & h00rs, I happen to know that unicorns DO exist.

OMG you guise! All eight of us? We're *just* like the Cullens!
Except we're all sunburnt.

First, though...a bit of background. Besides MrsBing & my "friends that live in my phone" I have a very dear set of RL besties that were initially assigned to me in random fashion by the people in the Office of Student Housing before the start of my Freshman year of college. There are 4 of us & unlike most students paired up by campus housing, we became fast friends & continue to be to this day. I'm talking near-daily emails, trips to visit on another during the year, calling one another while we're in labor, you get the drift? We also have a huge annual trip where we ALL (all as in us, the hubs, the kids, and even our parents) get together somewhere fun for a weeks worth of memory-making. It's AWESOME. And decidedly un-Twi.

Later on they'll read this & we'll have a discussion over which one of us
is supposed to be the Mary Sue in the Dugger-like bathing suit. (not it!)

So last fall we got to work organizing the 2010 reunion. We decided on the week of June 26th. Do you people see where I'm going with this? Plans were set, airline tickets were booked, condos were reserved, in other words #Let'sDoThis!! But it took me until sometime last winter before I realized Eclipse would open DURING our trip. #badbadfangirl. I freaked. How will I see it on opening night? They'll think I'm a freak. Like officially. Our PARENTS will think I'm a freak. Would I have to skip it & wait? Would I physically even be able to DO that? OMG OMG! What's a girl to do?!?!?!?

Skipping the opening night of Eclipse my ass! HULKSMASH!
(also, this is not my ass. or my underwear.)

So one month prior to Eclipse, I emailed the girls to see if anyone was up for a midnight viewing with me and my hubs. Yes, my HUBS. I have my very own Unicorn who's read the books (he loved) and has possibly read some fanfiction *coughDarkSideoftheMooncough.* (he liked) I knew at the very least HE'D go see it w/me and I figured 2 of my GF's would be up for it as well. But certainly not EIGHT of us. Yes, you read that right: ALL of the girls wrote me back saying "count US in!" "yep, WE're game!" "sure, WE think it sounds like fun!" I'm all whaaaa? We? Us? We're? As in, your HUSBANDS want to go too?

More like "how the HELL did we end up here?"
And "every time the wolf kid takes his shirt of, we do a shot."

In the interest of full disclosure, the more I really thought about it, I wasn't surprised at all. It's a known fact that Manntastic has his very own vajayjay - and we're not talkin' about mine. I mean the dude LOVES. CHICK. FLICKS. He's the one that made ME go see Under the Tuscan Sun. He's the one that can't watch LOST with me b/c it "stresses me out before bedtime!" And he's the one that's got Sandy Bullock as his #1 Freebie. He's also the one that has a crush on Rachel Ray ::snicker:: I also know for a fact that one of these other dudes watched Lifetime with us (without complaint) on a regular basis back in college. And another one of these guys claims to not know the story of Twilight, yet he would quote his wife lines from the book...when he was not peeking over her shoulder

Only real men pony up to see TWI movies at midnight with their wives!

So now I'm faced with the fact that I while I'm getting an EXTREMELY rare quadruple date night, it's A) at midnight and B) I'm a fucking Twilight FREAK. I pity whoever sits by me... I might clutch their arms as I shreik "ooooo I thought they'd cut that part from the script?" (because it's normal to have read the script, right?) And what if one of them asks me if Rob & Kristen are dating & I end up spouting off all my "proof" that they're together? What if I scream "motherfucking leghitch!!!!" And what if I pull a Remember Me & actually MOAN out loud when they show a close-up of Rob's jaw? Because all of these things have happened. Many times. But not in the company of real, sane adults. Or my husband. Guys, I think I might be screwed. Definitely outed, but happily screwed

PS - I'm pretty sure they already think I'm a freak. It's just a matter of how high I fly my flag :)

PSS - How will YOU see Eclipse? Night of? Following weekend? With Twi-friends? How many times? We wanna know!!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The One With The Premiere

So the Eclipse Premiere is tonight in LA. Did you hear that? THE Premiere. You know, the one where people have been camping out in tents since last Monday just to get a spot on the Red Carpet, causing the nation in general to laugh & shake their collective heads at the Twihards (Star Wars/BSG/Trekkie conventioneers, you can thank us as you feel free to move about the country with no one laughing in your direction!) For the last two weeks, Fandom acquaintances of ours have trekked to LA for various cast sightings... Kimmel & Leno tapings, TwiCon, concerts, advance screenings, you name it. But two day ago some authors we know & love found themselves in possession of 4 tickets to tonight's premiere. Can you say le jealz? I can't... because of the epic ::squeeeeeeees:: coming out of my mouth. OMG can you imagine?

I figure that they've got to be operating on pure fangirl adrenaline - or possibly Red Bull & Vodka - at this point so they might not be thinking clearly about what things they can & can't do at the event. I thought I'd jot down a few Do's & Don'ts for TeamLeghitch, as well as remind them of some things they might want to keep their eyes out for. Besides Rob. Duh.

Look at you guise! All dolled up! We'll call it Smut In the City - Eclipse Styles.
Imma let you 4 decide who's Carrie though... (not it!)

ECLIPSE DON'T....copy the costumes. There were quite a few tweets yesterday by Carrie & Co about What To Wear. The only thing I can safely say to you h00rs is if you're not wearing any one of these 3 frocks, you'll be fine. Esp steer clear of the red one.... ew.

That would be a definitive No, No, and HELL NO!
Ok then, let's go find a nice BCBG Max Azria number then...

ECLIPSE DON'T... Forget to pad your bewbies. I happen to know that one of you may or may not be playing the role of Dairy Fairy in real life. Way to go, Mama! While that's wonderful & tender & special... leaky boobs have no place near a Red Carpet. Let alone a carpet that will be trod upon by one Robert Pattinson. So please (and you know who you are *winks, ILY!*) remember the breast pads. Maybe pack an extra pair b/c we know Rob's photos are powerful enough to render spontaneous ovulation & instant impregnation. Can you imagine what seeing him in person might do to one's "let down" reflex? NGL, I get a little achy just thinking about tit! (pun intended)

Thanks Tori! We SO appreciate you showing us what NOT to wear.
More like what you SHOULD be wearing. Ew.

ECLIPSE DON'T....Pull a "Ross & Rachel." Another one of you has let it be known that she's "broken up" with Rob at the moment. I think it has to do with some Twilight-oversaturation & extreme rabidness of the fangirls as of late. Plus, I know she's been mentally screening fresh meat for starring roles in the yet-to-be-cast Hunger Games & Shiver movies. Her eye has wandered at bit, Rob! But I've already seen her mention your fuckhawt jaw, so I'd watch it if I were you, Mr. Pattinson. She just might yell THIS when she sees you kissing Bella.

WE. WERE. ON. A. BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ECLIPSE DO... Keep your eyes peeled for the unexpected. Charlotte *wink* I know you'll probably be wearing your Power Panties. Good girl! But keep an eye out, because there's evidence that not everyone in the Twi-cast feels the need for cheekies. Something worth looking out for, and if this problem occurs once again, you might politely steer Ms. Reaser towards @KStew411's FandomGivesBack merchandise which includes the "Robust Butt" undies. Coverage AND conscientious panty purchasing, as all proceeds to go Alex's Lemonade!

Oh my Esme!!! So cheeky & naughty of you! Let's get some spankies on, ok?

ECLIPSE DO... Bring some In N Out to entice Rob over to say hello. He loves it, I know you love it, and at the very least, TayTay will come running over because we KNOW how he loves his beef patties.

And if Big Daddy gets ahold of this instead, please to be keeping all
hands & arms away from his mouth for your own safety!

ECLIPSE DO... Rob, duh! As for Rob...I don't even know what to say. Scream? Talk to him? Ask where the sexpender pants are? Tacklefuck? Yeah. I got nothing. I don't know what I'd do, esp in that setting. So good luck & I wish you a long & lustful sighting of The Pretty. I also advise you each to get some Icy Hot for your arms, because I'm sure there will be major clutching & grabbing of one another as you gasp your way through the film. I *know* how one of you was during Remember Me... :)

Ladies... I hope you brought your Shamwows. Cause I plan on causing
panties to disintegrate ALL OVER THIS CARPET tonight.

And finally, a quick Scavenger Hunt I've put together to keep you busy while you wait on the stars to arrive. Here's the items I NEED for you to find. Get on it, h00rs!

- Corner Alex Meraz & after you grope him, find out which Fics his wife has read (she reads them)

- Make it a point to get a photo with EACH of K & R's key entourage members: Dean, Nick, Stephanie, and of course Agent Security Guard, & Hottie Security Guard.

- Four words: Billy. Burke. Mustache. Ride. Got it?

- Find out what Kristen uses on her skin. To retain that gorg complexion (and keep Rob's eyes GLUED to her)

- Get a hug from Big Daddy. I imagine it'd be like hugging a sweaty bear.

- Assess THE chemistry. You know what I'm talking about. Love'm or hate'm (I love it!) we all wanna know.

- Daniel Cudmore. Enough said, ok?

- If you see Lilo or J Love Hewitt....trip them.

- CORNER MELISSA ROSENBERG & talk some fucking sense into her. Slip her your Fics, Dairy Fairy & tell her to Take. Note. ::nods:: Get on it.

And finally ladies. Have a fucking blast. Take pics if you can, and if nothing else, we need to know about the LEGHITCH! We're dying to know. Just make sure you don't do anything that'd cause your night to end like this:

Again, I'll let you sort out who is playing who...
but have fun & BE SAFE!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The One Where Twilight Is Everywhere

The zoo. Really? Really. Twilight is everywhere.

A good friend of mine recently took her children to the zoo. Please go out on a limb here and imagine how Twilight might have crept up on her during such a visit. Yes, good luck with that. There was obviously some excitement for the Petting Zoo, right? Kids love that little germ-ridden gem of a stink-area. So I receive a call afterwards, detailing the Petting Zoo experience. If you can believe it, there were four goats there and they were named... wait for it... Edward, Bella, Jacob, and Nessie. GAH! I cannot control myself, even now, even after eyeing these photos and replaying that story to myself repeatedly. I still die every single time. Goats.

Nessie, Edward, Jacob, & Bella. As Boer goats. Major WTF moment happening here.

To be honest, this little sitch has ruined a lot for me. There are so many lines in this four-book saga that I reread with a completely different mind-set. For instance, Bella says to Edward, "I'm trying to figure out what you are." Vampire? No. A fucking Boer goat? Yes. I want to meet the chick who thought that these goats should be named after Twilight characters. And you know it's a chick. There's no way a man was involved in these shenanigans.

Wait! Bella the Goat stepped aside to let Jake and Nessie
grab a bite. Perhaps Bella the Goat is more okay with the daughter/BFF relaysh than
Bella the Human is. Either that, or lunchtime at the Petting Zoo just got AWKWARD.

I did a little research on Boer goats. Maybe the smarty in charge of naming the goats knew what she was doing. Or was she just feeling like outing her Twi-shameface in a most ultimate way? Let's see, shall we? Allow me to enlighten you:
--Boer goats have more "rambunctious personalities" than other petting zoo goats.
--They prefer hot, dry semi-deserts.
--Boer goats are herd animals.
--These goats are herbivores.
--They were "developed in South Africa in the 1900's from a cross of indigenous goats and Indian or European goats."

What ever does this mean?
--More rambunctious? This sounds more like the wolves than the vampires, eh? Perhaps she hit the nail on the head naming one of them JACOB.
--The goats prefer it hot. Nessie prefers it hot. Well, she will in 18 years. Gross.
--Hey! Herd animals! The wolves travel in packs and the Cullen's are all coven-like and shit. Hmmmmm, these names are seeming more and more appropriate.
--Now, we know that the vampires are NOT herbivores (**cough** grizzlies **cough**), but they ARE "vegetarian" vampires...
--This is where I see that the Twi-zookeeper has done her fucking research. INDIGENOUS. Unbelievable. 'Nuff said.

Ladies first! Always such the gentleman, that Edward.
Even Edward the Goat lets Bella hunt- er, eat- first.

In keeping with #TwilightIsEverywhere, we need to know: IS THIS NORMAL? Are there any more animals named after these characters that we need to know about? Please spill.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The One Where Twitarded Goes to the Therapist. Yes, For Real.

Let's just get right down to business, m'kay? I recently took my son to his evaluation for speech therapy. Based on the title of this post, you might imagine how WELL the appointment went. This story is one for the record (er, baby) book and it goes a little something like this:

After a brief talk with the therapist, she pulled out her bag of tricks and got right down to testing LittleBing. She unloaded a doll, a cup, a fire truck, a ball, and a plastic fork. Next came the questions and commands as she tried to figure out what he was capable of understanding. Shall I mention his teeny, tiny attention span before proceeding any further? He has a teeny, tiny attention span. LittleBing quickly grew bored with the toys that she had set out. And this, my friends, is where it gets good (and extremely mortifying). LittleBing marched over to my bag, took out my little bag of minis, unzipped, and emptied. He emptied them ONTO HER LAP. I felt like this was happening in sloooooow motion, and I made no attempts to stop him. I simply watched the whole disaster unfold in disbelief. The therapist picked up my most favorite mini and declared (with a deadpan expression and very unamused tone), "Look. It's a miniature Edward." She might have turned to face me next, and she might have looked at me as though I was insane. Perhaps it was my imagination, but I'm fairly certain that she judged my sanity when LittleBing brought to her attention the fact that I keep PocketBella, PocketAlice, and PocketEdward (of the Twilight variety) in mah purse.

These items, of which I am normally so proud, fell into the therapist's lap.
Not pictured here is the beloved yellow Porsche 911 Turbo. RIP, little Porsche.

So where does Twitarded-love enter the story? Riiiiiiight here. You see, she was so fucking focused on PocketEdward that she failed to recognize the tiny Twitarded pins that I keep with my minis. Until, that is, LittleBing decided that he was not finished in his quest to mortify me. He picked up one of the buttons and placed it very nicely atop her testing folder. Face up. She glanced down, looked questioningly back at me, and then put the button back on the floor with the rest of the Saga-goods that she had removed from her lap.

One of these things is not like the others,
one of these things just doesn't belong...

TeamTwitarded successfully invades the therapist's personal space.

Right. My PocketFigures sat in her lap, and my TeamTwitarded pin rested on her testing papers. Oh, but I'm not finished. She took my fucking Porsche911 (yellow! Turbo! HotWheels!) that goes everywhere with PocketAlice. She took it! When we were finishing up and she was packing her testing toys back into her bag, I took that opportunity to put all of my Saga-goods back into my bag. We were talking about the follow-up as we were tidying, and she picked up the Porsche and put it into her bag. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that she didn't notice which car she was putting away. Because after the looks she gave me, I don't think she was highly amused by what I carry around in my bag. At the moment, I was a little too embarassed to ask her to give it the fuck back, but my eyes surely revealed the panic that I felt as she packed it away. What was I to do?! What is PocketAlice to do?! She needs that fucking Porsche back, she's feeling antsy without it. Imma gonna swipe it back at our next appointment, you mark my words. Stay tuned...