Thursday, May 13, 2010

The One Where We Blow.... Out His Candles

Twenty-four years and nine months ago, two very special people decided to shag. Twenty-four years ago Robert Thomas Pattinson thought it might be a good idea to make an arrival. And today we think it might be a good idea to wish this sexy piece of man a Happyfuckingbirthday.

Assuming you'd remove your hands from Rob's hair long enough to gift him something for his big day, what would it be? And while the entire continent is counting down (and then glued to) Oprah, what do you think he'll be up to? We have a few guesses...

Some Gifts We HOPE Rob Receives For His Birthday:

10. A silver sedan from the nice folks at Volvo. Now that he's back in LA for a while (we think), they know their favorite Stupid Shiny Volvo Owner needs some new fucking wheels.

Sure Rob, but only if it's a stick. Because I like to do it manually.

9. Two Dozen (get it? 24?) Kobe Meatballs shipped in compliments of Glowbal Grill & Satay Bar in Vancouver.

True fans know it, The Pattz likes these balls. A lot.

8. A large bag of oregano from the Stew. ::snicker::

7. A roll of quarters for the laundromat, courtesy of The Ellen Show. Plus an invitation to tape a special segment featuring Rob LEARNING TO DO LAUNDRY.

You want me to SEPARATE the BOXERS from the BEANIES?
(this manip from the hilarious ladies at Robnipulations)

6. A heartfelt letter from Dean, expressing thanks and gratitude for making him more recognizable than half the other cast members. The letter is accompanied by a small blue box containing matching Gold Shark Tooth mewelry pieces. #GuyLoveCannesStyle

5. Custom Birthday Cake from the Twilight Cougar Club (but really he knows it's from those freaky TwiMoms on Oprah).

I'd like a slice that sparkles, please.

4. Wolf-Pack Gift Basket from the entire Pack. Includes temporary Wolf Pack tattoos, Twilight air-freshener for the Volvo, "La Push, Baby!" bumper sticker, 1 dozen cupcakes from Emily's Wolfgirl Bakeshop, and a 1 Month Membership to Crunch in LA (hint, hint ItalyRob).

The Pack wants to PIMP. YOU. OUT.

3. A break from the media scrutiny. Inadvertently provided by Taylor, when he jumps on Oprah's couch while shouting "I LIKE BOYZZZZZ! THEY'RE AMAAAAAZING!" Rob & Kristen are subsequently able to roam LA for the rest of the weekend while the pappz are busy stalking Taylor & his supposed love interest, Justin Bieber. And Zac Efron.

O: (to the camera people) You're getting this, right? From all 3 angles?
Just keep rolling, keep rolling...

2. Membership to the Flannel of the Month Club from TomStu & the BritPack. But really it's just a duffle full of Rob's clothes they'd previously borrowed. #MoreGuyLove

1. THE Red Leather Jumpsuit & instructions to be home alone the following afternoon.

Dude, if you don't know what this jumpsuit means,
then all you'll be getting is the BitchBrow.

*********** ************** ***********

Things Rob MIGHT Do On His 24th Birthday
(w/ or w/o some of the prezzies from above)

10. Go Sparkling in the new wheels, natch.

*desperately longs for the old days with the crunked out BMW*

9. Shares his meatballs with Kristen... followed by a quiet dinner for two. Says Kristen, "Mmmm...they're savory."

8. Picks a fight with Stewy after she offers him "some of her oregano." Once he sorts out which "Oregano" she actually means, all is well. They wrap up the evening karoaking 80's rap & binge-eating Hot Pockets.

7. Folds his clean laundry with Ellen after taping the segment where he LEARNS TO WASH HIS CLOTHES. Clare & NanaPattz promptly phone the Queen to see if she'll grant Ellen an Honorary Dame-ship.

Blimey, Ellen! I must've gotten some fangirl's knickers mixed up with my wash!
Uh, no Rob, these are Kellan's....

6. Meets up with Russell Simons to work on that spectacular Brit-rap album he's been dreaming of for the last decade. Orchestrated by Oprah, of course.

I.... I have no words here.

5. Curls up with Kristen to watch the "behind the scenes footage" they shot in Oprah's Green Room when no one was looking. K: They said JUMP the couch, not HUMP!

4. Ring Mr. Daniel Radcliffe and demand that he hand over the fucking Goblet of Fire already. Birthday Boy's orders!

The Potter Boys really, really are...

3. Write effusive thank you notes to Tom Cruise Jr. for diverting all unwanted attention for a few days. Really, it's about time TayTay took some heat, right?

Show me the booo-tay!

2. Wastes his morning catching up on FB/Twitter/blogs, and last week's LOST.

1. Has a "jam" session with Kristen & the aforementioned jumpsuit. Pussy to the wood, baby.

In all seriousness, we hope it's a very happy 24th birthday for this very beautiful piece of man. We hope it's spent with friends and loved ones, doing the things he enjoys, with the privacy that he deserves. Happy Birthday Robert Thomas, & many many more!


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