The One With the Croc(k) of Crap Cover

Rob, I'm just going to go ahead & address this directly to you: The new Vanity Fair cover. WHAT HAPPENED?

Despite not being able to dress yourself in RL, I don't think even

YOU would choose that fugly hat for a night at the Soho House

There's a level of Photoshoot Rob (TM TippyL) that we've come to expect from you, you know. Don't even get us started on the past hotness. GQ SuitRob. VF with the Twicast. InStyle with the Twicast. VF with the rumpled white sheets (oh the sheets! and the field! and the piano!). Harper's with Kristen. TVWeek. Details with the naked anorexic chicks. So what happened, VF? Because it's shouldn't be hard to NOT fuck this up. You choked. WHERE WERE NICK & STEPHANIE?

Here are my thoughts in no particular order.

Rob, WHAT was your reaction when you were told that the spread would feature an alligator & did you request for it to be sedated? Did Summit flip their shit & run to check that you have enough insurance AND that TomStu be kept off set during shooting? Because you KNOW Rob + Stu + Croc = SHENANIGANS!

Can I keep the props from this shoot?

And by "keep" I mean "eat."

Did they find out you harbor a secret love of Crocodile Dundee but are contractually obligated by Summit/Breaking Dawn to pose with your shirt on so as to maintain your vampire level of pale?

Silver lining: this is a step up from Steve Irwin khaki.

Last time it was a Frat-boy style road trip across the US. I can only assume from the Amish vibe these pics are giving off that Spring Break '11 (woot!) is the Year of the Robspringa?

Holla! We bringin' chambray back! Rumspringa bay-bee!

You had an urgent need to revisit Twilight's hunting-flashback-scene attire? I saw the behind-the-scenes pics from the VF shoot. Dean was there. Why didn't HE at least step in?!

We've told you to leave all things Hardiwicke behind, Rob. Move along.

Are you just a really big fan of The Princess & The Frog? "I'd like to do a shoot with swamps and gators and music!"

I KNEW you just wanted to play music Rob!

I dunno Rob. I've seen the inside pics of the spread & with the exception of one, they look pretty damn hot. The article makes me feel....sad... for you, too. The only thing I can think of that would explain the utter uselessness of the cover shot is that Stephanie & Nick dropped you off assuming you'd be under the utterly capable hands of Ms. Leibovitz. Oh how I bet they wish they'd stayed! This was NOT a drop-off playdate, Steph & Nick!!

Ahhhh.... that's more like it. And yet, the "Rob-At-The-Piano" shot

has been done at least 3 other times. Come on, Vanity Fair &

Team Nick & Steph you CAN do better. Rob deserves better.