Friday, April 2, 2010

The One Where She Can TASTE the Chocolate

So. As you all know, it's ALMOST EASTER! And if you're a dedicated reader of this blog ::glares sternly at occasional-readers:: you might remember this little post by MrsBing at the onset of Lent. There are several things (outside her family, natch) that MrsBing adores above all else. Beautiful shoes, quiet time, Robert Pattinson & Jackson Rathbone, the sight of a Shuttle launch, Twilight, a well-made latte, all 10 seasons of Friends, and of course....CHOCOLATE.

Om nom nom nom nom.... I could just roll around in this FOREVER.

Now most of these items cannot be had on a daily basis - especially Robert Pattinson, and almost never on the quiet-time thing. But lattes & chocolate? They get her THROUGH. Yes, reading some good Twi-Fic or popping in an episode of Friends are fine. But they are NOT coffee or cocoa, you know? So when it came time for her Lenten promises to be made, she chose chocolate. And she does this every single year without complaint. I've only heard her make ONE comment about it this whole season. Sainthood, I tell ya. Of course, she's been filling the void with Robporn & Twi-fic, so you can't feel TOO badly for her. No wait, really... you can.

But as of this Sunday morning, the 5-week-long denial is lifted. Hallelujah & AMEN!! And I've spent an unhealthy amount of time the last few days imagining what Easter Sunday will look like in her house. I know from years past that she keeps a pile of chocolate on top of the fridge and then relocates it to the kitchen counter the day before. Just to taunt & torment herself.

So what happens when the clock strikes midnight? Does Cinderella push her Prince aside & throw herself headlong into the first box of Cadbury she can find, slumping down against the cabinets & eating it there on the kitchen floor? Gorging herself til she passes out? I mean, are we talking an Augustus Gloop situation here? 'Cause really that's what I'm hoping for.

Can't talk. Making. Homer. Simpson. Proud. Mmmm....chocolaaaumphnomnomnomnom

Or does she go to bed at 11 PM, only to wake at the normal time with the Little Bings & hop down the stairs to help them find their Easter Baskets? And when they do, does she politely ask her oldest if Mummy can have a chocolate... daintily popping it in her mouth and continuing on to the previously mentioned Kitchen Counter of Goodness. Somehow, I don't think this is the case.

Oh don't mind me! Mummy's just going to pop this teensy bit of delight into
my mouth, darlings! Carry on then!

And what about the rest of the day? I'm assuming after the Midnight Gorgefest she sleeps a bit, wakes with the kids & throws back a chocolate latte while they do the baskets. I imagine her occasionally sneaking a Reeses from the kids stash throughout the morning, and then grabbing a handful of Hershey's Kisses when she pops in the kitchen to refill a sippy cup. Does she stuff a few Chocolate Mini-Eggs into her purse for during Church? And by the late afternoon I feel like she's probably feeling a bit sheepish eating THAT much chocolate in front of everyone. So she has to resort to some alone time in the closet with a Dairy Milk (while looking at Robporn on her phone, of course).

Ladies & Gentlemen, please keep all hands & arms
away from her mouth at all times! Oh, and can someone get her
copy of Rob's Vanity Fair mag?

By night time she's spent. Or highly wired from that much caffeine. In that case, I have two very important pieces of advice for MrBing. At some point you're going to have to stop the madness, and for this I recommend drawing her a nice bath, and then hypnotizing her with this on your new iPhone. You can then lure her INTO the bath while you go lock the chocolate up til morning. And be sure to have a steamy fanfic queued up on her iPhone, ok? Or even a Crate & Barrel catalog...

My second piece of advice is more for your benefit than hers. At midnight on Saturday night (if she's planning on diving in the INSTANT the clock strikes 12) it very well could be that she'll be so busy downing chocolate bars that you won't get any "special" time with her for ages. In that situation, I highly recommend you have a jar of this on hand. You can put two & two together, eh? Okay then...

It could be a win-win situation for everyone, right? My work here is done.

MrsBing, I adore you. And I adore your steely resolve. I did not fare as well as you during this Lenten season. And because I know you have it in you for one last agonizing day of torture, I give you the ULTIMATE piece of chocolate to drool over (or eat in the dark with a blindfold b/c it's creeptacular).

Happy Chocolate Gorgefest Day!!


TexasKatherine said...

Before Twilight I had no obsessions. None. I never even gave up anything for Lent because it wasn't a challenge. This year I couldn't decide which of my new obsessions to forgo. The movies? Unlikely. Rob porn? Are you on crack? Fanfic? Do you have a death wish? I decided to forsake my other new love--Skittles Crazy Cores. As there is no school today I am laying in bed, catching up on some fic with a Skittle bag on my stomach. Someone should really get up & feed my kid.

Happy Easter, ladies!

TFX-Of KeepersoftheNaughtySparkle said...

So you ladies have been SUPER BUSY!! I was so excited to go to my Google Reader today and get caught up!!

As a first hand witness to MrsBing at the stroke of midnight on Easter I have to say she did not knock anyone over trying to get to the chocolate. NGL, was a bit shocked. I would have.

I think EVERY man should invest in the chocolate body paint. I mean OM NOM NOM!!

Lastly, are you spying on me at my office?? How else would you see me hiding by the file cabinet with my mid-afternoon snack?

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