The One With Where She Blows...Out Her Candles

So we all know that today is the 20th birthday of one Miss Kristen Stewart. Since (thankfully) we don't know for sure what she's up to, MrsBing and I thought we'd share a little list of things WE hope she might be doing to mark her 20th trip around the sun.

Just for posterity, this is who what she was doing on her 18th birthday:

R: "Saaaaa-weet! Bitch is finally legal!"

K: Rob, did you just Say that. Out loud?

Top Ten Ways KStew Celebrates Her 20th Birthday:

10. Hanging out at home. "Relaxing" of course!

Just needed a breath of fresh air before I blow out all these candles!

9. Shopping at The Grove dressed incognito as the 4th Hanson Brother & smirking at the papz when they don't recognize her. Or the Hansons.

One of these kids is not like the others, one of these kids...has a vagina!

8. Getting a mani/pedi with Dakota & stopping for gas afterwards.

"U guiiiiise! Stop taking piiiic-shurs! Y'all are makin' me feel

like Britney Spears with all these gas station pics!"

7. Drinking "soda" & then going target shooting, except all the targets will look like guys from X17 or TMZ.

6. Rehearsing songs for "Breaking Dawn The Musical: Electric Boogaloo & Renesmee Too"

"I need someone older and wiser telling me what to do.

You are 17 going on 107, I'll depend on you!"

5. Renting out a theater to screen Hot Tub Time Machine for all her besties.

4. Hanging out with Jimmy. Preferably in a tree.

3. Doing the Dine 'n' Dash at one of Guy Fieri's restaurants. Payback for the Hanky Panky game on Leno, dude.

She's just so.... fast. And thorough. I'm amazed every time!

2. Putting her pussy to the wood. We'll just leave that open to interpretation.

That's not what I meant by pussy. Or wood.

1. Rob. (See #2)

Happy Birthday, Babe. Do you recognize me without my

signature Hobo-stylings? Budapest has been a bitch without you.

Now, let me show you my cane... 20 lashings.

In all seriousness, we wish the lovely, talented, totally-unique, Mistress of the Short Hemline & Stiletto, a very Happy 20th Birthday. Cheers to you babe! (well, next year anyway).

The One With The Rant

Okay, let me address this chocolate thing (with chocolate in hand, of course) before we go any further with this post. Anntastic's end-of-Lent post could not have painted a better picture of how much LOVE I feel for all things chocolate. There was definitely a scary-ish Augustus Gloop situation happening here during the earliest moments of Easter Sunday. Let me paint it for you. I took two chocolate cupcakes upstairs to bed. I ate my first with jams on and under the covers, and it was glorious. I set the second on my nightstand so that I could eat it first thing upon waking (like, before even removing my feet from the bed). I ate chocolate for breakfast. Post-church, we ran out for mochas, came home for another two chocolate cupcakes (this was lunch), and then I had a little pasta because MrBing thought it might be a good idea for me to put something other than cocoa in my system. Eh. And the remainder of the day proceeded in much the same fashion, as I ingested gross amounts of chocolate with intermittent bites of real food to appease the hubs. Like I said: glorious.

At least this kid came up for air while drowning himself in chocolate.

Okay, now to carry on with what I really want to rant about... Yes, rant. I've been a whiny, grumpy little bitch for the past couple of days, so I'm feeling like a rant. While we're at it, I should let you know that I don't want to read about Bree fucking Tanner. I am sorry, but I can't be excited and I am not feeling antsy for it. Zero anticipation. I know that I will read it because this bitch is loyal to Meyer, creator of sparkly vamps and amazing bronze hair and hard, cold fingers. I can admit that I will also purchase it because I will neeeeed it to complete my set. But I don't care about Bree Tanner's first nor second lives. I care about Midnight Sun and I want it fucking finished. Now.

Free, schmee. I don't care. I want Midnight Sun.

While we're at it, I want to know why my city is on the 100 Monkeys 100Cities tour list, yet never fucking scheduled for?! They have literally played all of the way up to me, skipped me, continued up and around and back down and then skipped me once again. I'm developing a complex. And anxiety. Should I plan to drive to another city so that I'm guaranteed to catch them on the road? Should I be patient (really? Because I'm all out of patience...) and wait it out? What if they decide they can't make it or that my small-ish city is too small-ish? Whatiftheyremoveusfromthetourlistbutannounceitwhenit'stoolateandI'vemissedthemcompletely?! PANIC.

Okay okay I will leave j.action and j.rad alone! Just stop avoiding my city, ok? Pleeeeease? Please?

Lastly, I feel as though some of my patience is all tied up with Breaking Dawn and that I have absolutely nil chance of regaining it until someone makes up their fucking mind about this final installment. Seriously. Some of the fandom gals need to sit down with Summit (and whoever else is dragging their heels) and have a come-to-Jesus. It's not just me, I know it. WE need this. We ALL need this. I have referenced a particular post several times, hoping to retrieve a wee bit of my patience back. No such luck. Someone, somewhere throw us a fucking bone, okay?

We need Rob to nix the middle-part and cut some of the flop out of his hair.

I can't imagine it's too grab-able right now. Brushable, yes. Braidable, yes. Grab-able, no.

The One Where She Can TASTE the Chocolate

So. As you all know, it's ALMOST EASTER! And if you're a dedicated reader of this blog ::glares sternly at occasional-readers:: you might remember this little post by MrsBing at the onset of Lent. There are several things (outside her family, natch) that MrsBing adores above all else. Beautiful shoes, quiet time, Robert Pattinson & Jackson Rathbone, the sight of a Shuttle launch, Twilight, a well-made latte, all 10 seasons of Friends, and of course....CHOCOLATE.

Om nom nom nom nom.... I could just roll around in this FOREVER.

Now most of these items cannot be had on a daily basis - especially Robert Pattinson, and almost never on the quiet-time thing. But lattes & chocolate? They get her THROUGH. Yes, reading some good Twi-Fic or popping in an episode of Friends are fine. But they are NOT coffee or cocoa, you know? So when it came time for her Lenten promises to be made, she chose chocolate. And she does this every single year without complaint. I've only heard her make ONE comment about it this whole season. Sainthood, I tell ya. Of course, she's been filling the void with Robporn & Twi-fic, so you can't feel TOO badly for her. No wait, really... you can.

But as of this Sunday morning, the 5-week-long denial is lifted. Hallelujah & AMEN!! And I've spent an unhealthy amount of time the last few days imagining what Easter Sunday will look like in her house. I know from years past that she keeps a pile of chocolate on top of the fridge and then relocates it to the kitchen counter the day before. Just to taunt & torment herself.

So what happens when the clock strikes midnight? Does Cinderella push her Prince aside & throw herself headlong into the first box of Cadbury she can find, slumping down against the cabinets & eating it there on the kitchen floor? Gorging herself til she passes out? I mean, are we talking an Augustus Gloop situation here? 'Cause really that's what I'm hoping for.

Can't talk. Making. Homer. Simpson. Proud. Mmmm....chocolaaaumphnomnomnomnom

Or does she go to bed at 11 PM, only to wake at the normal time with the Little Bings & hop down the stairs to help them find their Easter Baskets? And when they do, does she politely ask her oldest if Mummy can have a chocolate... daintily popping it in her mouth and continuing on to the previously mentioned Kitchen Counter of Goodness. Somehow, I don't think this is the case.

Oh don't mind me! Mummy's just going to pop this teensy bit of delight into

my mouth, darlings! Carry on then!

And what about the rest of the day? I'm assuming after the Midnight Gorgefest she sleeps a bit, wakes with the kids & throws back a chocolate latte while they do the baskets. I imagine her occasionally sneaking a Reeses from the kids stash throughout the morning, and then grabbing a handful of Hershey's Kisses when she pops in the kitchen to refill a sippy cup. Does she stuff a few Chocolate Mini-Eggs into her purse for during Church? And by the late afternoon I feel like she's probably feeling a bit sheepish eating THAT much chocolate in front of everyone. So she has to resort to some alone time in the closet with a Dairy Milk (while looking at Robporn on her phone, of course).

Ladies & Gentlemen, please keep all hands & arms

away from her mouth at all times! Oh, and can someone get her

copy of Rob's Vanity Fair mag?

By night time she's spent. Or highly wired from that much caffeine. In that case, I have two very important pieces of advice for MrBing. At some point you're going to have to stop the madness, and for this I recommend drawing her a nice bath, and then hypnotizing her with this on your new iPhone. You can then lure her INTO the bath while you go lock the chocolate up til morning. And be sure to have a steamy fanfic queued up on her iPhone, ok? Or even a Crate & Barrel catalog...

Robert Pattinson does Details Magazine. - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

My second piece of advice is more for your benefit than hers. At midnight on Saturday night (if she's planning on diving in the INSTANT the clock strikes 12) it very well could be that she'll be so busy downing chocolate bars that you won't get any "special" time with her for ages. In that situation, I highly recommend you have a jar of this on hand. You can put two & two together, eh? Okay then...

It could be a win-win situation for everyone, right? My work here is done.

MrsBing, I adore you. And I adore your steely resolve. I did not fare as well as you during this Lenten season. And because I know you have it in you for one last agonizing day of torture, I give you the ULTIMATE piece of chocolate to drool over (or eat in the dark with a blindfold b/c it's creeptacular).

Happy Chocolate Gorgefest Day!!

The One With No Photographic Evidence

So it's been a while peeps. Lots of reasons for that, not the least of which is I was on a fucking vacation!! You know the kind, where you spend hours organizing get-togethers, building in naptimes (only to have them not nap), and trying to keep the peace between each family member. It's the vacation where you need a vacation afterwards. Or a stiff drink on the flight home followed immediately by a trip to the dayspa.

But this vacation was extra special. We happened to arrive on Friday, March 19, which any TRUE Twilight fan will know was the night of the New Moon DVD release. AND! I happened to be vacationing in the same town where the Bings reside (we used to live there too!), as well as the lovely NaughtySparkle. (Can you believe that they live in the same subdivision? That they met thru me, online, and now have frequent lattes & Details Mag viewing sessions? SO UNFAIR!) Anywho...when she realized our trip would coincide with the NM release, MrsBing immediately put together a little NM viewing party at her house for a group of us who are FANS :) A Squeee-Fest for sure. Snacks & wine & getting so see one another for the first time in aaaages. Plus, you know, Edward on the TV.

I'd like to tell you all that the evening's spread looked JUST like this. I swear.

So that Saturday night, I ditched Manntastic & the Kiddos at the beach house after dinner, put on my Chucks, packed my Twilight Action Figures & camera, & headed for the Bings. And after weeks of anticipation, of promises to snuggle on the sofa & take pics of Fun Size Edward watching his alter ego get his ass kicked by the Volturi... what do you think the five of us did on this night we were so looking forward to?

We chit-chatted. All night. With New Moon playing in the background and our Action Figures lying in a pile by the hummus just ready for poseable hi-jinx to ensue. And did we take any pictures? Did we document this momentous night of the Twifecta Reunion / NM viewing party in any way? Nope. Not one. Single. Photo.

WTF girls? All this trouble and A) you barely watch the flick

and B) you don't even take a picture? What kind of Blogger ARE YOU?

Though you might not believe me, MrsBing had put out quite a spread of nibbly bits & MrBing broke out the Reisling he brings back from his travels to Germany. And of course there were the New Moon plates, napkins, and chocolates. Some of us had our Chucks on. Or math-related jammies, not naming any names (ahem*MrsBing*ahem).

MrsBing. She serves up the very best PI ever.

Sorry, babes, this had to be mentioned. MWAH!

THESE were by far the favorite snicky-snack of the night.

Cream cheese filled Salami Roll-ups. Would make Homer proud. Mmmm.....

PS - that's not my finger. Or MrsBing's.

But what we DID do was loll about the sofa, wine in hand, candles lit, lights low, and got to talk Twilight IN PERSON. You should have heard the conversation bounce all over the place! We couldn't get everything we wanted to say & talk about out in one little night! Don't get me wrong, we did turn to the TV on occasion to make fun of Edward & Bella running in slo-mo, or to marvel at Rob's bare back in Italy. But I kid you not, we talked more than anything. This is a huge fandom, and many friendships are made online thru Fanfiction sites, Twitter, and various Twilight blogs or LiveJournal communities. More and more, ladies are finding ways to meet up with kindred spirits in Real Life. I'm just lucky that I've known MrsBing for 5 years and counted her amongst my closest before we ever fell down this crazy Twilight rabbit hole. So to get a whole night of totally geeked out Twi-talk - not just with MrsBing, but with NaughtySparkle and two other RL friends was an insane treat. To see the faces I usually only imagine behind a desktop, or read in 140 Twitter characters, or in an email was just THE best thing ever. Let's just say that one night was really not enough to adequately enjoy these funny, talented, and strong women who are wives and mothers just like me. And who are equally as obsessed with all things Twilight.

NM DVD night was epic PictureFail! So instead I offer you a look

at our dolls on the night we went to see the NM midnight premiere!

Before I go, I have to tell you one last little story. At one point during the evening, MrBing (who really wanted to watch the movie, I think) bowed out & headed to Lowe's to "look around." I'm pretty sure listening to his wife & 4 friends swoon over Edward's jaw & critique Jacob's thick neck got a bit too much. He hung in there for a good while, which is why he earns a Gold Star for being an awesome Fandom Husband. MrBing, we salute you!!

The Anntastic & Bing Chucks on 11/22 when we brought

MrBing to see NM for his first viewing. What. A. Guy.